L.O.V.E

2012-01-27T10:45:00.005+08:00

SUP SUPPPPPP!! I'M EXTREMELY EXCITED!! JUST BOOKED MY FLIGHT TOOO...JAPANNNNNNN!! HEEHEEEHEEHEE!! OMG I'M SOOOOO EXCITED!! I have nvr been to japan before! and japan is definitely on my "places-i-need-to-visit-before-i-die" list! and what makes it even better is that i'm going with the boy! :D heeheehee. i have nvr been on a holiday alone with my bf before and this is the first time! BEYONDDDDDDD EXCITED!! Cant wait to stuff my face with all the jap food, go shopping, visit the historical sites, see mount fuji AND TOKYO DISNEYLAND!!! OMGGGGGGGGG!! I CANT FREAKING WAIT!! Exactly 3 weeks from now i'll be on my way to JAPOOOOOO! (:

Anyways, HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR LOVES! (: Didnt do much house visiting this year due to my laziness, thus, not much ang baos collected. ): But it's ok, the holiday break from work was more worth it than anything else. Finally got to catch up with my much needed slp and with the fact that the exhibition have been soooo busy the last one week it was a much needed rest for me. (:

I'm sooooo freaking excited for japan, i can finally put my events management skills into good use! (: Imma plan the whole entire trip, gonna head down to kino to buy a travel book on tokyo tmr! heeheehee. this year is gonna be a gd year! after jap, probably gonna head to bkk and hk before going back aussie for sch. best thing is i'm going to a totally new state this time round! woooohoooo! this year is gonna be like a world tour! heehee. Life is gd and i'm not complaining! (:

Going picnic+kite flying later after work! tmr is cny party at kim's and zouk after! heeheehee. life's been too gd to me lately! i cannot be more grateful! (: but sometimes its scary when life gets too gd! it just means that something bad is going to happen soon. oh well, enjoy while you can right?

Anyways, hope all of you had a good chinese new year! Will update again when i have the time/something to actually update about! hahahaha. till next time! <3

more company d&d photos.

pool party at One degree. (:Happy B'day NATTY CAT! LOVE YOU TRUCK LOADS! (Y) (Y) (Y)natty's EXTREMELY PRETTY B'DAY CAKE!! letter from natty cat. (:

natty cat bought all of us cupcakes from twelve cupcakes and she made the moustache herself to put on the cupcakes. how cutie is that? :D love you natty cat! (Y) Dash Berlin with the usuals! (:

Happy Chinese New Year loves! (:

2012-01-18T09:59:00.007+08:00

hello blogger! (: havent updated in awhile. my mind is kinda blank right now. So i'm just gonna update on what has been going on in my life.

My exhibition is ending in 19 days. Dont really know how i feel, i'm a little sad that its ending and yet i cant wait for it to end. This exhibition has been a very valuable experience, i have learnt so much so much. But of cos there are always downsides to everything. It has taught me what tired really means, the exhibition has sucked every bit of energy out of me. But i am extremely proud of the exhibition, like i've said many times before, first exhibition ever!! It means the world to me. (: So guys if you have yet to catch the exhibition, please do check it out at http://www.amovingmasterpiece.com/

Last week was filled with events, thus me being extremely broke now. There was pool party on friday at one degree then trouse brothers at zouk after. Yes becos we are that hardcore that going for one party in one night just wasnt enough! HAHAHA. Sat was andre's 21st b'day at Mink. First time inside Royal room/Mink, didnt really like it though, zouk will always always be home! (: Went to the Aussie study fair on sunday to enquire whether it is possible for me to transfer to UQ with my GPA, imma head down to IDP tmr to apply for my transfer. Extremely excited that i am able to transfer to UQ, UQ has always been one of my top uni choices for events and maybe i'll try to do an exchange to Uni of Manchester for one sem. Then my life will be complete! (:

This week is gonna be another eventful week Natty cat's b'day dinner tonight followed by zouk after! (: Gonna take a day off tmr to head down to IDP to settle my transfer. Sat's Colin's 21st and sunday is the eve of CNY. OMG! CANT WAIT FOR CNY!! $$$$$ I'm so damn broke and there are SOOOOOOOOOOO many things i wanna get my hands on!! And also, LONG WEEKEND TILL NEXT TUESSSS!! You have no idea how much public holidays and long weekends mean to people who have a full time job! CANT F-ING WAIT!! :D :D :D

Oh, one more thing to note down, i'm attached. (: Yes, after half a year of being single, i've finally found someone. (: The boy has been around ever since i came back to sg for internship. Things has been pretty on and off for the longest time, but things got pretty serious about 1 month back and yup. he asked and i said yes. (: I am very happy with what i have now and i'm glad we finally got together, we really went through alot just to be where we both are right now. And to me having him in my life is like a dream come true. He has always been my eyecandy, for the longest time i can remember. It was back in 2009 where i first saw him studying at starbucks for A lvls and to me he has always been the perfect guy, my dream guy. (: I cannot ask for more in life, to have my dream guy actually becoming my guy, the feeling is sometimes surreal.

I am trying to do my best to make sure that this r/s wont screw up again. i wont want this to screw up becos my life with him is what i have always pictured my life to be. Of cos, it may be too early to say whether as to i would want to marry him one day. But i do see the two of us going a long way. If i really end up marrying him one day, then i will never ask for anything more in life, i will truly be contented with what i have. I know there are many challenges ahead of us, long d being one of it, but i hope we will both be able to work something out. I am not going to expect too much from this r/s, i'm jut going to take things one step at a time. But i will definitely put in my very best. All in all, i am happy that i've finally found someone that i don have to try so hard to impress and that i know i can be myself and that being myself is good enough for him. (Y)

To those that were really concerned for me and were there for me this whole time, i cannot be anymore thankful for you guys! (: Don worry guys, imma happy kid again. (: And i cannot be more grateful for what i have in my life now. <3
Nattycat! (: HEART HEART HEART! (Y)

Sending daddy off to UK.
Happy 21st Andre! (:

Girlfrienddddd~~

hello love! (; Company D&D

Best mentor EVER! (Y)

2012-01-05T11:01:00.001+08:00

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYBODEEEEEE! :D I know, i'm like 5 days late. havent had the time to blog and i totally did not come up with any new year resolutions. oh well, even if i did make new year resolutions, 99% of them wont happen anyways. I'm blogging away in my exhibition hall while waiting for kim. gonna go send ben off together, he's leaving for UK tonight. Sigh, don even want to think about going back to aussie. Cannot imagine if i was the one that is going to leave tonight. Will probably be crying like a fucking dog again. Sigh~~ hate that feeling. Oh well, 8 more months to go.

So nye stared out quite badly, got into a huge fight with my mum before heading to uss, had every intention to not celebrate nye at all. But the boy and kim insisted that i should still go down to rws and enjoy what was left of nye. Had a sumptuous dinner at rws' bbq fiesta and headed back to USS for countdown. it was nice to spend countdown with the ppl i love. We were suppose to go to zouk after but all of us were too tired and sweaty. So headed home for an early new years night. (:

New year's day was spent at Elton's. was suppose to go boating, but in the end we just spent the day lazying around in the pool. Love days like that, whereby you just chill out with your gd friends and talk bullshit. All in all this year nye and nyd was well spent with the ppl who have been there for me since i've been back from aussie. You guys know who you are, thank you for being there for me at one of the most "down" point of my life. Also, i'm so thankful for the boy for being there for me constantly in the last 4 months. Although things between us have been pretty on and off in the last few months, but i am grateful to have him around. I must be a fool to ever let him go, becos every says he's the best catch ever. Of cos, no expectations for now. We'll just see how things goes in the future, but nonetheless i'm happy with him and i'm so glad to have him in my life.

i'm getting new ideas as to what i want to do with my life in the future. mainly due to my family problems. i'm very torn between the two different paths that is ahead of me. I'm not confused, i know what i want, but life is just being a bitch and hindering me from doing what i want. why cant life just turn out the way you want it to be? why must life be so hard?

Cannot believe i'm turning 21 this year! Like finallyyyy 21! but when you were younger and look towards 21, you would have thought that when u're 21, life would have worked itself out by then. Now that i'm turning 21, i realised that i'm even more torn apart than before. There's so many things you have to think about, so many more things you will have to consider now that you are older. I think all of our mentalities are soooo different now as compared to before. i find myself worrying about things that i nvr thought i will ever have to worry about. Oh well, i guess that is part of growing up. Nevertheless, i'm extremely excited for my 21st this year, in fact i'm very excited for all my friend's 21st this year. cant believe we are all going to officially turn into "adults" this year! So proud of everybody for making through 21 years of their lives! (:

Hope everyone had a great time this holiday season! Wish you guys a good year ahead! Remember, no matter what the weather is, always bring your own sunshine! :D <3

kim THOOOOO! Hahahahaha.

X'mas eve. (:
HONG! (Y)

natty cat so cutie!
my babies. (Y)

the Sim twinnies. (:
USS with the boy for countdown. :D

nye dinner at rws. (:
pole dancing room in Crockfords' suite. LAST WARNING!!
Happy New Year lovesss! (:

2011-12-29T10:20:00.001+08:00

Hi worlddddd~~ Have been wayyyy too busy with my exhibition. Havent had the time to update at all. But since the year is ending in 2 days time thought i should have an update or two before the year ends. Will probably come up with a list of new year resolutions in the next post. Although mine is pretty general every year, all i wish for every year is to be a better person in the following year. (:

So life has been all about work work work work work. Although it's getting better now that the exhibition is "stabilised" but there are still times where there's a mad rush of things to do. I've still got one more conference in april and one more exhibition & conference to work on in July and i'll be done with my internship. Cant believe i've been interning at Singapore Expo for almost 4 months now. Didnt really feel like 4 months at all, i love what i'm doing now and i couldnt be happier. I do believe that i made a right choice in choosing Expo over RWS. I've learn so much in the last 4 months and i've grown so much. I cannot be more grateful for what i have right now.

I am not going to complaining about anything in my life. I'm generally very happy with everything in my life now, except my family issues, but oh well, as long as i'm in sg, my family issues will always be there to spoil my mood once in awhile. Have been single for almost half a year. i cannot deny that i'm getting pretty used to being alone. i like how my life is, i get to hang out with my friends alot more, i get to do whatever whenever. But of cos, occasionally u do feel lonely and i do still miss having C in my life. My feelings for C have been subsiding, i think i've finally found my inner peace. I'm generally happy for him and S, i am happy for myself too. I think we're both at a better place and position now.

I do have something to share though, after being single for almost half a year, i think i might be ready again. Not gonna say much, but yes i am seeing someone now. It's been pretty on, off in the last few months, however things are getting quite serious. But of cos, like i've said before, if i was to be in a r/s again i'll make sure i'll do it right this time round and he's a good guy, i really want to set things right with him. There are still alot of things to consider before things get more serious, but as of now, i am happy seeing him and having him in my life. (:

I know this all sound very contradicting, like one min i am happy being single and the next min i am happy seeing someone. Well, we are just dating now. So there's no commitments and no expectations. I'm still pretty much single, i like the kind of freedom i have now, yet i like being with him too. Like i said, there's still alot of things to consider before jumping into something. So yup. As of now, this is all i'm going to review. Even if we do get together in the future, i'm going to keep it low, i want things between us to be simple and to be just about him and i.

Oh yea, Merry belated X'mas!! ((: Hahahahaha. Had a pretty quite x'mas this year, although it didnt very much feel like x'mas at all. X'mas eve was last min x'mas shopping, dinner with my bro, just like every other year. After that headed down to zouk to celebrate with mua usuals. X'mas day itself was spent at Elton's, had a cozy x'mas dinner with just a few of us, since everyone else was busy with their own x'mas celebration. Boxing day was spent at Sentosa again with natty and kimmy, was suppose to swim and gym at elton's new place, ended up the 3 of us were just chilling in the pool talking about life. So this x'mas have been pretty laid back and i like it this way. (:

Alright, there's pretty much with regards to my life right now. I'll definitely have another update before this sat! Super exited for nye! Gonna head to USS for their boogie countdown with a few of my friends. Hopefully we'll be able to party the night away with the usuals at zouk after! What is a new year night without ending it at zouk? :D till next time! <3

my part time girlfrienddddd! ((:

love you natty cat!

HAPPY B'DAY ROCHELLE! (:

A Moving Masterpiece Opening Ceremony! (:

projects management girls! (Y)

my lovely mentor! :D
ZOUK OUTTTTTT!! ((:

2011-11-22T17:11:00.001+08:00

FUCK MY LIFE!! MY BB CRASHED THIS AFTERNOON. )': )': )': I feel so lost without my bb! hopefully i'll get it back tmr. if not i'm gonna kill myself. worst of all, i didnt back up my bb at all. i'm gonna lose all my contacts! including my aussie friends' contact. fml! so tempted to switch over to my iphone instead! praying that there's a spare phone at home. if not GG!

So i'm blogging away at sogurt. came here to visit nat. (: thank god it crashed today instead of tmr. cossss LYANNE CHUA IS COMING BACK TMRRRRRR!! WOOOHOOOOO~~ heehee. finally! havent met her since my b'day in melb! cant wait for her to be back tmr! sucks that i'll be dead busy from this weekend all the way through to next year feb. wont be able to spend much time with her. but i promised that i will squeeze every bit of time for her. (: really cant wait!

So my fs have been pretty happening the last few days. filled with questions regarding C. i wont deny that some of the question did affect me a little and got me thinking about us again. but i'm still trying to keep my inner peace and not let it affect me too much. And to the ppl who have been asking me how i feel about the fact that C is back with his ex, i'm going to answer this question once and for all. I wont deny that when i first found out i felt cheated, upset and angry, i was feeling so many emotions that i actually felt numb after awhile. but it's been more then 4 months since we broke up. i wont say that i'm totally over him, but i'm feeling much better now. In all fairness and putting my feelings aside, i feel happy for him and happy for them. becos they do belong together, after all these time they've always had a part of each other kept in their heart. they seem really happy together and he seems really happy, thus i am happy for them. no point getting angry and beating myself up for it. i am happy that both C and i are at a much better place now. when we were together, we really did have a lot of problems in our r/s and i constantly felt that he wasnt truly happy, so now the fact that he is, puts me at ease. so if any of C and S's friends are reading this, pls let them know that i am happy for them and i wish them all the happiness in the world. (:

i'm saying all of the things above from the bottom of my heart. like i have mentioned i think both C and i are at a much better place now. i am happy with my life and he seems happy too. i guess that's what's most important in life; being happy. i might not feel as bliss as before when i was still with him, but i feel like after a really long time i am in control of my own happiness, my happiness is no longer in someone else's hands, i think this is something to be grateful about.

Two days ago, D said to me, "been stupid once, cant afford to be stupid again, put ur guards up and guard your heart." i very much agree to that. recently i find myself having a problem of letting ppl into my life. i try to distant myself and not let myself get too attached to anybody and not allowing anyone to affect my life too much. i donno whether this is a gd thing or a bad thing. i don want what happened in my previous r/s to make me "heartless", not wanting to care for anybody and love anyone else. maybe it's not the time yet, maybe the wound is still too fresh. afterall, one and a half years has got to count for something right?

Although i'm no longer crying over C and i'm not extremely affected by news regarding him. but i can feel that the pain is still there and sometimes when i think about us it still hurts. don get me wrong i am more then ready to move on, just that sometimes i cant help myself to feel a certain way when i am reminded of him. i was reading the questions i've answered previously on my fs, someone told me time heals all wounds and it's true, it really does and i believe in time to come, he'll just be another heart break to me.

cant wait to get my tattoo next week! i swear tattoos are soooooo addictive. after this tattoo i'm just gonna get my "always bring your own sunshine" and i'm gonna put a stop to my tattoo obsession. life has been treating me pretty well recently, BESIDES the fact that my phone crashed today. really cant wait for BFF to be back tmr! i hope that despite the fact that i'm going to be dead busy for the next 3 months, we will finally be able to spend some quality BFF time together, cos for the first time, we're both single at the same time. (: cant wait! till next time. <3

Jolene's b'day bbq. (:

PPGs

HONGGGGGGGG!!! (Y)
barclays with mummy.
natty so prettehhhhhh!!

captain LOH!

no make up. i look like death. ):

LOVEEEEEEEEE this photo! (:

helipad with the lovessss. (:

2011-11-09T00:30:00.008+08:00

Project "clean up my goddam room" has finally been completed!! my room is beyonddddddd messy. its messy up to the point that i couldnt even find my bb charger. Hence, me finally decided to clean up my room! Took me two freaking hours! i don think i have ever ever taken that long to clean up my room. call me gross, but i have yet to cleaned my room since i came back from aussie! HAHAHAHAHA! This is the beforeeeee~~
you need to see it in details, there's still the other side of the room. it was beyondddd messy. i couldnt find anythinggggg!! And here is the after~~
it's like a complete make over! HAHAHAHHAHAHAAH!! Super super proud of myself!! i'm intending to keep it this clean for as long as possible! though i highly doubt it'll last for more than a week. i'm a very messy person. i like to live in a mess. it gives me a little sense of comfort. yes, i'm just weird like that! HAHAHAHAHA!!

So here's a real treat, i FINALLY BOUGHT A NEW CAMERA!! After 6 years! YES 6 YEARS!! Believe this or not. before this, i was using my sony t20(YES T20!) FOR THE LAST 6 YEARS!! Hahaha. super happy with my new camera! love the quality of the photos! (: still trying to figure out how to use some of the functions. but nonetheless, i LOVEEEEE MY NEW CAMERA! So now that i finally have a proper camera i guess i'll be blogging alot more. (: whoop!

last weekend was Elton's 21st!! had alot of fun!! although by the end of the night i was dead exhausted!! the day started at 3, where 4 cars had to go down to bras basah just to collect the balloons and cake. one degree after to help nat to decorate the place, after party at velvet. i really miss the old velvet, don really like it's new layout. it just doesnt feel like velvet anymore. so the party was a blast! was pretty embarrassed when kim, evan and i's video was played during the party, but hey we really did put in alot of effort to make the video. (: Hope you had a memorable 21st Elton! (: Once again, HAPPY B'DAY CAPTAIN LOH! (:

Cant wait for my 21st next year! i'm glad that i will be in sg and will be able to spend it with my family and friends. (: i already have a rough idea of how i want it to be. that's the gd thing about being an event planner. we always plan an event a year ahead! (; haahahha!! looking very forward to this weekend! friday's BBQ at marc tay's house, one alti after followed by zouk. sat is my fav golf event of the year! BARCLAY'S OPEN! (: followed by boating at elton's place then velvet after. i love it when my weekends are all packed up, gives me something to look forward to and get myself through a whole week of hell in the office! might be taking monday off to go haji shopping with kim! i really miss going out during the day on a weekday. havent done that ever since my internship started! and i do think that i deserve a break before my exhibition starts.

cant believe my exhibition is starting in less than a month's time! have been OT-ing alot recently. i'm rather excited for my exhibition. cos it's gonna be the first exhibition i have ever planned!! like the first proper event i have ever planned! i hope the turn out of the event is good. this exhibition really means alot to me. to me its like a milestone of my life! i know, ppl think that it's a no biggie. but u donno how much this means to an event planner. the first event ever! seriously means the world to me! really hope you guys will support me and come visit my exhibition! (: friends, don try to escape, this is the one time to show me how much u guys love me! heehee. :D

I've been really proud of myself lately. have been making alot of right decisions in my life. i donno whether its the fact that i'm working, thus i'm becoming more matured and more responsible or the fact that the break up has completely changed my mind set. but i find myself becoming wiser by the day. (: whichever it is, i'm glad it happened and i don regret either of it happening. becos i think in the last 2 months since i've been back in sg, i've really changed alotttt. i nvr thought i will be this responsible when it comes to work and i nvr thought that i will see certain things so differently now as compared to 2 months back. (: i'm really happy for myself and i am happy to be at where i am now. Although, like i've said before, there's still alot of rooms for improvement. (:

there are still days that i really feel like shit and i feel so lost, but i think i have finally found my inner peace. i hope i will be able to feel this way all the way till it's time to go back aussie. i'm generally happy with my life now and i really cant ask for more. (: i'm happy to see myself so cheerful again! (: anyways, it's late and it's time to head to lala land. another busy week in the office! hopefully i'll be able to spam alot of photos this weekend then maybe my blog can come alive again! hahahaha. nights loves! <3

part time gf! HAHAHAHAHA!!

LOVE these girls! (:
HAPPY B'DAY CAPTAIN LOH!!! (((:
pretty natty. (:

cutie pieee~~
elton's b'day cake! like a BOSS!

my fav couple in the whole wide world!! ((:

baby bro! (: i love how we look most alike when we smile! :D
long lost sec sch senior!
some of my FAVVVVV PEOPLE!! ((:

awwww.
the YANs. (:

Once again, HAPPY 21ST B'DAY ELTON!! (:

2011-11-01T02:37:00.005+08:00

It's 3.15am and i really should be aslp! but clever me took a nap from 830pm-1am and i'm wide awake now! i'm soooo gonne die at work later on!! hahahah! GG MAX! so here i am typing away on my computer at this ungoldly hour. today was the first time i came home right after internship ever since my internship started! have nvr been more proud of myself! HAHAHA!! my aim this week is to come home immediately after work as often as possible so that i'll be able to avoid dinner and lose some weight before elton's b'day party this sat! i don want to look like a fat mermaid! hahahahahha! i love this halloween! i get to dress up a total of 3 times! heehee. have i ever mentioned? halloween is my fav festival of the year! it's the one time of the year u can look like an absolute idiot and no one will judge u for it! heehee.

So for halloween this year i went as wonder woman and snow white. sat night was halloween party at white rabbit then zouk after and sun was snow white at island! hahaha. i felt stupid dressed as snow white and serving costumers. i donno how the hell some customers actually thought i was an angel, alice from wonderland and cinderella. LIKE SERIOUSLYYYY?!? But uncle stan's the best, he said i'm a school teacher. HAHAHAHA!! i'm pretty happy with halloween this year, since i didnt get to celebrate it last year and this will probably be the last time i'm going to celebrate halloween in sg for awhile.

besides halloween, the other highlight of the week was ABOVE & BEYOND AT ZOUK!!! OMGGGGGG!! I WAS SOOOOOO GOOD! Hahaha. probably becos i was a little high, but just high enough to dance through the night, unlike our beloved kim tho who died and only happen to wake up for sun & moon and went back to lala land again! HAHAHAHAHA!! I think most of us were high/drunk before a&b even started spinning! but the music WAS SICK!! now i'm just anticipating for zouk out although the line up this year isnt as gd as last year's.

besides a&b and halloween, my life has been pretty much the same. the health conference last week totally killed me. 630am-7pm two days in a row was not fun at all. esp when u have to stand in heels for hours and hours!! i was home by 130 on friday night and fell aslp straight away. i cannot even remember when was the last time i came home that early on a friday night. my internship is really killing me. it's sucking all the energy outta me. plus, it's only gonna get worst! end of this month it's the annual sitex computer show at expo and the following week marks the start of my 2 months long a moving masterpiece exhibition all the way through to next year feb. sighhhh. sometimes i really ask myself why the hell am i doing events. but like i've said many times before, no matter how tired i am and how much i curse and swear, at the end of the day i still love what i do.

so today marks my 2nd month back in sg. cannot CANNOT believe i've only been back in sg for two months. i feel as if i've been back FOREVERRRRR~~ However this will also mean that i'm only left with 10 more months in sg. ): sigh, this sucks i'm getting comfortable in sg again. it's gonna suck when it's time to go back to aussie, i'm gonna cry like a dog again at the airport. )': but after next year when i'm back in aussie i'm determined to stay there all the way through my degree and maybe come back once a year? cos going there and coming back again and again is too emotionally torturing for me. i don wanna feel that way. ):

lately i've been feeling rather upset. i donno whether its becos i'm lonely. however i must say, i'm starting to get used to being single. i think in my last blog spot, i sounded soooo desperate. but honestly it sucks not having someone to be always there for u and knowing at the back of ur head someone is constantly caring about you and loving you. but like i said i don want to rush into anything and i don want to get into another meaningless r/s for all the wrong reasons. to be honest, i have nvr been more proud of myself. i really see myself growing up, becoming more and more sensible when it comes to certain issues. but nonetheless there's still alot of other issues i have to work on.

recently i starting to care less and less. i don really know how to describe it. but i'm starting to become more and more "i don give a shit" and it's not only on things that i just generally do not care about, but this time round it's ppl. i think i'm starting to build that protective wall around myself, i'm becoming less and less emotionally attached to ppl. which on my part i don think is something to celebrate about. kim was like "you don care about _ and you dont care about _ as well then who the hell do you actually care about?" don get me wrong i still do care alot about my close friends, they mean the world to me and if it wasnt for them i will nvr be able to make it through and i'll nvr be able to be where i am right now after my break up. but i'm talking about feelings wise. in the past i will get rather upset over certain ppl i care specially about, but recently i find myself having the "if you give a shit about me, i wont give a shit about you either" mentality. maybe becos i've been pushed away too many times, i'm starting to feel like no one in this world is worth it, no one in this world is worth me giving my everything to. i mean some will see this as a gd thing, protecting yourself from getting hurt. but as for me i think it just mean that i'm becoming more and more heartless, which i don want to be. i don want to be heartless, i don want to be that cold creature, that is not the person gabby is. i'm suppose to be all full of love and be surrounded with "love bubbles". sigh. what is happening to me? ):

i think as of now i'm just really lost. i'm a little lost sheep going around trying to find my way. i really hope this bimbo sheep will be able to find her way soon. if not, i really donno what the next few months is going to hold for me. i think i might just be confused right now since i have nvr been single for this long before, like i'm confused as to what to feel and what to do. this break up has really changed me quite a bit, in good ways and in bad. i just need to find my inner peace soon.

anyways it's almost 4 and it's time to head to bed! only left with 3 hours of slp! tmr confirm gonna die at work! 2 meetings and a million and one phone calls to make. ): however i'm pretty excited for the sitex road show on weds at raffles place! should be alot of fun! (: cant wait for the weekends! it's gonna be a LONGGGGG~~ weekend ahead! also excited for elton's 21st this sat and velvet's official opening! cant wait for weds as well, gonna mambo my night away, although i'm definitely gonna regret it the next day at work. but i really need a mid week break. hahaha. and yes, my break means partying. till next time. <3
ABOVE & BEYONDDDDDD~~

daddy as angry bird! HAHAHAHAAH!!

white wabbit!

love(:

halloween at island! (:

2011-10-24T10:45:00.002+08:00

It's been 4 months. I have never been more proud of myself. I think i might just hit the 6 months mark and i might even just be like that till it's time to go back to aussie. I guess i'm really growing up. Not rushing into anything; determined to not make the same mistakes again. I see myself becoming stronger by the day. I see myself being less needy. Yes i learnt it the hard way, what happened with J really taught me a lesson. I am never going to let someone in that easily again. I am stronger than i've expected myself to be. I don't need anyone; I am independent. <3

2011-10-10T23:24:00.006+08:00

Cannot believe i've been back in sg for only 1 month++ i feel like i've been back for atleast 6 months already. so many things happened in the last 1 month++ which makes me really scared of what to expect in the next one year. i hate this uncertainty, i hate not having something stable. i hate the fact that i have no one to rely on. although i've only been single for 3 months, but i think this is the longest i've been single since sec 1? pretty proud of myself that i even made it through 3 months without a bf. but i donno how much longer i can stay this way. lately i've been dying for something stable in my life. yet at the same time i don want to make anymore wrong decisions relationship wise.

Internship is draining the shit out of me. The events industry is really no joke. I knew it wasnt going to be an easy job, but i nvr knew it was going to be THIS demanding and this stressful. Although what i'm doing now is exactly what i want to do in the future. But it's making me think twice about my career in the future. i donno how long i will be able to work in this industry. don get me wrong, i still love events, just that i donno whether i'll be able to have this career as a long term career. To be in the events industry u really need to be 200% committed to ur job. You need to absolutely love what u're doing, the moment u start dreading it, u'll just wanna KILL YOURSELF!! But nonetheless, i'm still glad that i chose to do events becos end of the day, even today after my 7 hrs meeting, YES 7 HOURS! From 1030am to 530pm, i went back to my office and i continued doing my work without whining, finding myself still looking forward to tmr. everyday u're constantly working on something different, which is exactly why i chose this industry in the first place, so that day after day i wont be doing the exact some shit. maybe it's becos we're still under the planning stage that's why everything seems more dry now, maybe things will get better when all the operations are starting to take place.

Oh yea. my first exhibition will start on the 7th of dec all the way through to the 6th of feb. It's called "A Moving Masterpiece", pls do go read up on it at http://www.amovingmasterpiece.com/ and do show some support by purchasing the tickets. i know it's not something that ppl my age will be interested in buttttt i WOULD REALLY APPRECIATE IT if you guys could show some support, which will make my life alot easier if the ticket sales are good. Hahaha. In between i'll be helping out with events. My schedule is packed to the brim all the way through to next year feb. Cos of the moving masterpiece exhibition i can forget about x'mas, new years, new years eve and even CNY eve holidays. i guess this is what is expected out of u when u're in the events industry. not forgetting there's still quite a few exhibition and conferences lined up after feb. HAHAHA. MY LIFE IS GOING TO SUCK! but of cos i'm gabby, i'll always find time for partying. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

So i'm back at zouk after what seems like forever, have been keeping up with my regular zouk visits. HAHAHAHAHAHA!! But so far so gd, there's only been one week where i hit my 5 times a week quota, thanks to my crazy baby bro! if u guys think i'm hxc, u guys have definitely not met my baby bro MARCUS YAN!! last warning and hats off to him. he beats me hands down when it comes to partying. HAHAHAHAHA!!

So as i was saying earlier, i'm getting very tired of this single lifestyle. i really donno how ppl do it. i donno how can ppl stand being alone for yearsssss. like i said i'm pretty proud of myself that i've been keeping this up for 3 months. one of the reasons that's stopping me from wanting to be in a r/s is that eventually i'll be leaving sg. i don want to have to do that whole long d crap again. But yet at the same time, i miss being in a r/s, i miss the stability, i miss always having someone to be there for you, i miss doing special things with that person, i miss having someone to watch movies with, i even miss holding someone's hand. i was nvr someone who think that i'll be happier being single. Yes maybe there are plus points about being single, you have so much more time for ur friends, u can do whatever the hell u want, go wherever the hell u want, go out with whoever the hell you want. but i would give all these up for a r/s in a heartbeat. becos i absolutely absolutely hate the idea of not having someone there for me.

Initially i really thought it wasnt going to be so bad and initially it really wasnt that bad. but the longer i'm single the more i'm dying for something stable. yet i don wanna make anymore mistakes when it comes to r/s cos i'm so sick and tired of having to go through the same crap, feeling crappy after a break up, over and over again. i'm scared to open up to someone, i don want to be in that vulnerable state to let a person have absolute control over my emotions and i don want to to base my happiness solely on that one person. cos i've done that and in the end when the person left, u're left with nothing, absolutely nothing, except a whole load of crap to deal with. i'm not being desperate, just miss the stability. ):

Lately i'm starting to forget the what happiness is suppose to feel like. i think happiness is just as hard to define as love. that's why i guess love and happiness go hand in hand. can one only feel happy when they're in love? don get me wrong, my friends make me really happy, i'll absolutely die without them. but it's not the kind of happiness love gives you, you know what i'm saying? it's two totally different type of happiness. i remember how C used to make me feel really happy and that happiness came right from the bottom of my heart, it was a feeling i couldnt describe, it was just pure bliss and happiness. But nowadays i just see myself laughing here and there, being happy hanging around with my friends, constantly smiling, having nothing to worry about, but after awhile that happiness dies down. Can one only find happiness in love? i beg to defer. but somehow i find it true. Maybe that's why ppl say everyone needs some love once in awhile. And i guess to a certain extend, it's true when they say everyone just wants love & happiness. personally, i do believe that.

oh well, guess i'll just have to suck it up like how i always do and just pull through. i think i've been through so many things in life to know how to deal with all these crappy situations. when u're in this kinda situation, when things nvr seems to get better and u feel like u're going down this nvr ending black hole, all u can do is suck it up, suck it ALLLLLL up and pull through, i believe that things will eventually get better. like they say when things gets worst, it can only get better from then on. i truly believe that i'll come out of all these a stronger person and hopefully a wiser person as well. time for bed. 830-6, mondays to fridays. till next time. toodles! <3

my baby bro marcus yan! (:

cutie pie's b'day! ((:

famfam with the square mouth! (:

natty natty! ((:

babygirl

love my island family! ((:

long lost primary school friend. (:

love this pic! HAPPY B'DAY ZACH!! ((:

2011-08-30T22:00:00.007+08:00

last 8 hours in sydney. ): staying at my uncle's house tonight before going to the airport tmr morning. sighhhh. i really really don wanna leave sydney. i nvr thought i would actually say this. but i'm actually starting to accept my life in sydney and in the past few months i've grown to love sydney. cant believe i'm leaving this place for a gd one year. seriously cant wait to come back here. ):

although i'm starting to feel a little bit more excited to be going home. i really do miss my life in sg(MY NO PUBLIC TRANSPORT LIFESTYLE!), my friends, my family and the FOOD!! but i cant help to feel upset that i'm actually leaving this place. for all that's worth, it's been my home for the past 6 months and this place has grown on me. also i like the person that i am when i'm here in sydney. somehow i find myself and my mentality very different when i'm in sydney and when i'm in sg. before i came overseas ly always used to tell me life in aussie is so much more simpler than sg and so much more less complicated. now i finally know what she meant by that.

no doubt that a big part of me regret coming overseas cos of what happened with my r/s. but when i think about it, it must have been one of the better decisions i've made in life. i think coming overseas really made me grew up a lot and i've became alot more independent. i've done things that i would have nvr thought i'll be able to do by myself. cos when u need to get something done, you have no choice but to relay on urself, mummy and daddy are no longer around to settle things for you. also when you're overseas, friends are like family, they are the ones you depend on. coming overseas made me realise alot of things, things that i will nvr be able to accept if i was in sg.

i think the person i am in sydney is so much more simpler than the person i am when i'm in sg. i'm not materialistic when i'm here, i don care about branded goods, i don care about what brands i wear, i don always have to impress ppl. ppl here are so chill and so not judgemental, everyone here is so free-spirit and somehow along the way, you slowly adapt to it and it makes you a much simpler person. i hope i am able to stay this way when i return to sg. i like leaving this simple lifestyle. you feel so care free most of the time.

i donno what to expect from tmr onwards. all i wish for is to have a peaceful year ahead. spend as much time as possible with my friends and family, cos once i'm back in sydney, i donno when i will be returning to sg again. do a good job with my internship and maintain this simple mindset. also i don intend on dating anyone in the next one year, firstly becos i'm not over everything, my heart still aches for that person, i just cannot imagine myself even being interested in anyone else right now and the thought of getting heart broken again just turns me off completely. Secondly, becos i have nvr been THIS single for THIS long in my entire life. i can hardly believe that i'm SINGLE SINGLE for the first time in my life, with no guys around at all. i'm so proud of myself! and the truth is that it's really not as bad as i've imagined. i always thought i'm the needy kind and no matter what i'll need a guy in my life, but now i've come to realise that it's not true and i'm doing just fine by myself. thirdly, becos i'm gonna come back sydney in a year's time, long d is going to be a big no no for me. and lastly, maybe my heart is still waiting for that certain someone.

ok it's 1.15am in sydney now, i have to go to bed! only left with 4 hours of slp. needa get up by 5am to head to the airport and i know i'm gonna spend the whole 8 hrs on the plane watching all the in-flight movies. gonna meet evan tmr evening for nails and dinner. maybe mambo with kim and nat after. which means i'm not gonna get any slp at all. and i've got to be at rws by 2pm the next day. so i desperately need this 4 hours of slp in order to not look like a walking zombie at rws on thurs. SHOPPING this weekend with mummy. heeheehee. sigh i'm becoming more materialistic already. oh well. good night sydney! i'm gonna miss you hell loads when i'm in sg! and hello sg! it's nice to see you again, please let me have a good year ahead. till next time. <3

my cute baby. (:
mathias spamming my camera!
love you ALIXANE SAGE! xoxoxoxoxoxo

friday nights entertainment. (:

devy.
allie made this my iphone dp so that i wont forget her and manarii in the next one year.
coffee+ciggs by the road side. fav past time in sydney. (:
Last day in Manly and allie decided to cook me traditional french quiche and insisted that i cook for my parents when i'm back. so i'm gonna post all the steps here in order to remember how to make it! HAHAHAHA!!

TAH-DAH! YUMMY MAXXXXXX!! (:

see that castle in the middle? yup that's my school! hahahaha!
last night in the city with allie.

my last AWESOME BEYOND WORDS CAN DESCRIBE BUBBLE TEA for the next one year. ):
see you in one year sydney.

2011-08-22T14:39:00.018+08:00

Ok. so i'm done with 3 of my exams, one more paper left coming monday and i'll be done! (: seriously cant wait! had the worst exam today. events law and marketing on the same day! it nearly killed me, i'll be happy with just a pass for both subjects although it's gonna be really wasted if i get a pass overall cos i got HD & D for my assignments for both subjects. oh well. i'm just glad that the two hardest papers are over.

i realised i havent blogged about my b'day, so here i am with absolutely nothing to do and i'm already in the after exam mood, gonna blog about my b'day. hahaha. For my b'day this year i went down to melb to celebrate my b'day with no other than lyanne chua my BFFFFFFFFFFF!! After all that has happened in the last month or so, i just really needed some time with my bff, also i havent seen ly since may, even though she was back in sg for two weeks but i didnt get to spend much time with her, so this b'day trip was much needed. (:

Went melb from the 3rd of aug to the 8th. although it was only 5 days but it was worth every bit of it. had so much fun with ly as always. ly somehow always have this power to make me feel much better and she is probably one of the only person in my life that i can trust with all my secrets. it's funny, along the years of growing up ly and i crossed shoulders at many points but somehow nvr got to know each other. after we got to know each other we become so close becos we were somehow always caught in the same situation, we always understand perfectly how the other person felt. i have nvr been more grateful to have met her and have her as my bff. despite the distance she has always been there for me at a heart beat and for that, i love you lyanne chua!(:

although we're both in aussie but i hate the fact that we're so near yet so far, whenever i go down to melb to visit her, i hate myself for not wanting to study in melb instead. cos can u imagine how good life is studying overseas with you bff in the same country and same state with no parents around!?! hahaha. we'll be having the time of our lives, but oh well i guess this is life. ly and i somehow got very used to doing this whole long distance friendship thingy. the first few time when ly left for melb i cried and cried and cried cos i felt a part of me left along with her. but this time the two of us were like, oh well, yet again, see you in a few months. oh well. better to be in aussie than to be in sg right? atleast phone calls are free. hahaha.

this trip to melb was a EAT TILL YOU GET FREAKING FAT TRIP!! Hahaha. ly brought me to a few new places and the food was SOOOOO AWESOME!! didnt do much shopping though, just wanted to sit down, chill and talk with my bestfriend. and LYANNE CHUA IS THE SWEETEST PERSON EVER!! Initially for my b'day i was suppose to have dinner with a few other friends in melb but after that i decided that i just wanted to spend my b'day with my bff and only my bff. this was probably the first time in years that i'm not celebrating my b'day by having a b'day party or a mini celebration. for as long as i can remember, i had a b'day party almost every year since i was 13, cos i see my b'day as a very important day. hahaha. guess i was just childish.

Ok so back to the point. The night before my b'day went to bass lounge with lyanne, louie and his friends. louie is a friend lyanne met during her china field trip, he was super nice to open a table that night and he drove ly and i around quite a bit, pretty nice guy. the next day, which was my actual b'day, i got up to get ready to head out and while i was showering LYANNE CHUA COOKED A SURPRISE B'DAY LUNCH FOR ME!! I was soooooo touched when i came out of the shower and saw two plates of fried rice cooked by ly! i swear i wanted to cry!! (': after that we went to catch captain america before going for dinner. ly treated me dinner at cumulus, a pretty high rated restaurant in melb and after that we went supper club to have the BEST CREME BRULEE OF MY LIFE!! OMG IT WAS LIKE HEAVEN ON EARTH! I SWEAR!!

so that was pretty much for my b'day this year, although it was pretty simple, but it was one of the most meaningful b'day i have ever had in my life, it was just my bestfriend and i, i wouldnt want it any other way. (: so thanks ly for the wonderful b'day! cant wait for you to go back sg and we can have our regular massive bff slpover! and this time round we're both single, we can spend absolutely everyday together just like how we used to in the past! (: and also our long awaited bff overseas trip!! i can hardly wait baby! ((:

Going back sg in exactly a week. i cannot believe i'm saying this but i actually don wanna go back! ): this time round i'm not even excited about going back! i actually like my life here. maybe it's becos of whatever that has happened. staying in sydney doesnt seem like such a bad idea now. i've been dreading to go back since last week, even ytd when i was talking to mummy on the phone, i actually asked her if i could just stay here for another semester and not go back for my internship, but of cos that would be a stupid idea to give up my internship. also i cannot deny that i miss my friends in sg, SO MUCH! ): and I MISS MY CAR!! OMG I CANT WAIT TO GO BACK TO MY CAR!!! i'm so done with not having a car!! i am determined to psycho my dad to buy me a car and let me move in with allie when i'm back in sydney! i might not do a one year internship now since the whole purpose of going back to do my internship is no longer there, i just want to faster finish up my 1200 hours and come back sydney!

I'm really scared what singapore will be like for me in the next few months, but i will not give up such an opportunity to intern just becos i'm scared of what the future holds for me. i need to face it head on like a grown up. no matter how hard life is going to be for me in singapore i'm determined to go through with it. i cannot believe i'm saying this but coming back to sydney will be my main motivation to get myself through the next 9 months of internship. but of cos knowing me by then i'll be dreading to come back sydney becos i'll probably get so used to my life in sg again. sigh this really sucks. i told myself, after my internship in sg, i'm gonna come back sydney to finish up my degree and probably only go back home once a year. it's really too mentally torturing for me to go back and fro. i hate it!

So i guess the next time when i blog i'll probably be back in sg. although i'm really going to miss sydney like crazy but there are still alot of things i'm looking forward to in sg! honestly, there is no place like home! and as i have always predicted i'm not the home sick kinda person, i'm just the bf sick kinda person, now that i've lost everything, i actually don miss home that badly anymore. or maybe becos i was in sg just a month ago. these days i keep psycho-ing myself to believe things that are not even real to make myself feel better and i'm actually getting pretty good at it and i somehow manage to get it into my head. hahaha.

i actually don even miss sg food anymore. hahaha. i'm actually going to miss my awesome CHATIME BUBBLE TEA, ribs at hurricanes, sushi from sushi chain, ramen from menya, milk chocolate with waffle balls from max brenner, thai food from chat thai, australian poach eggs. i'm going to miss my life here, i'm going to miss the beaches, i'm going to miss hanging out with allie, i'm going to miss going for lectures, i'm going to miss wasting time at the smoking area, i'm going to miss taking the ferry, i'm going to miss the opera house, i think i might actually miss the cold weather in sydney! ): oh well! i guess these will be the things i can look forward to when i'm in sg! so long sydney, i'm really going to miss you like crazy! ):

Cant wait to see you babies in sg! (:
Lyanne chua! the bestest bestest bestfriend you could ever ask for! (: (: (: hearts*
miss lyanne's room. ): u can see me on the wall with all her diana F pictures. heehee
Got to meet jac while i was in melb. (:
BEST FRIENDS FOREVER AND EVER AND EVER!
supper on the first night. Thanks for picking me up guys! (:
lunch at melb uni with ly.

Bubble tea.
MY ABSOLUTE FAV FOOD IN MELB!! OX TONGUE!! OMG I WANT SOME NOW!!!

degrave! ((:
Louie treated ly and i dinner at this jap place.

OX TONGUE AGAIN!! YUMMY YUM YUM!!

EPIC MUCH!! HAHAHAHA!!

my baby is all grown up and has learnt to whip up yummy dishes! SO PROUD OF HER! (:
aglio olio cooked by lyanne and i. ok fine. mostly lyanne. hahahah

Louie's friends.

i miss summer baby. ):
Surprise b'day lunch by ly! SHOOOO SWEET! (: (: (:
loving my jet black hair!
BFF treated me to Cumulus for my b'day dinner. (: and it was the first time ly and i didnt understand most of the dishes on the menu! i swear it wasnt even in english we had to ask the waitress to go through the whole menu with us! HAHAHAHA!!

Supper club for dessert on my b'day.
love the ambiance of the whole place!

BEST CREME BRULEE EVER!!

BEST POACHED EGGS I'VE EVER HAD IN MY LIFEEEEE!!!

south melb. super chill! loves it!

love my crazy french girl! (:

i'm going to miss you like crazy you silly girl! ):

HAHAHAHAHAHAH!!! SPOT IT!

2011-08-14T16:09:00.003+08:00

Ok. So this is me coming clean about everything that has happened in my r/s with him. Before i start this post. This is not me trying to prove anything but me doing justice to him because end of the day i know that he is and always will be one of the nicest person that i will ever meet in my life despite everything that has happened between us.

People ask what happened between him and i, only people whom are close to me know the truth, becos the truth is not something that i'm very proud of and i have not told anyone that is not close enough to me and of cos when u have done something wrong, everyone being human will try to cover it up. But here i am, i'm going to admit my mistake, becos honesty starts from here. i just turned 20 a week ago and it is time for me to be a grown up and stop trying to cover up my mistakes and start working them out instead.

So our r/s ended becos i cheated on him. Yes, you heard me right i cheated. it was a very stupid mistake on my part and i think no one would have ever expected me to cheat on him, i didnt expect it myself. but it happened and i'm no longer going to deny it and i'm not going to try to cover it up any longer. I think sometimes ppl always try to cover up the truth becos they are afraid of what others will think of them and how others will judge them. I have always told my friends that what others think of you really doesnt matter, as long as ur true friends know who you are and despite everything they will still stand by you; then thats whats important in life. i think sometimes i only know how to give advice to other ppl but i donno how to use my own advice. I'm finally coming clean becos the only person that really matters in my life already thinks that worst of me so what are other ppl's opinion ever gonna matter to me? i asked myself, does it even matter what others think of you anymore?

Yes, so i hope no one will ever feel sorry for me, becos i don deserve it, i single handedly destroyed everything that was important to me, i destroyed my own happiness. so i deserve everything, every misery that i'm going through right now. i've been so willing to wait for him and i was so determined to keep my promises to him becos i know i did something wrong and i hurt him like no other, if it's gonna take me a life time to make things up to him, i will. I deserve everything everything that i'm going through right now. and i want to feel all the pain that is left to feel becos i deserve it, i fucking deserve this.

For the past few weeks i've been asking god why is he putting me through this, why is he torturing me like that? today i've finally found the answer, it wasnt becos he thinks that i'm strong enough to pull through all these, it wasnt becos he thought this will be the best for me. He's only putting me through this becos i deserve it, i deserve every bit of it. Becos i deserved to be punished like that. i need to stop blaming others for a mistake i've made. i need to start growing up and see that mistakes comes with consequences and if this is the consequence i have to face then so be it cos i've made a mistake. when you make a mistake there's no easy way out, you just have to face the consequences and get through it. dear god, thank you for teaching me this lesson and i cannot be more grateful for that.

Believe me, i don think i have ever regretted anything this much in my life. I wish i didnt destroy this r/s becos now that it has ended i realised that this was and still is the only thing that ever mattered to me and this was the only thing that was real in my life. maybe it was the way i grew up, i wont deny that sometimes i'm not honest with people, except a few of my really close friends, becos somehow along the years of growing up i started to build a wall around me. i didnt tell me ppl the exact truth becos i didnt want ppl to judge me and i didnt want ppl to feel sorry for me. Maybe it's becos of my parents i hate it when ppl feel sorry for me, i don want ppl to think that i'm weak and that i can be pushed around, i've always tried to put up this strong front, always act like i'm impenetrable and that nothing in this world ever matters to me. but you know what? that's not the real me, becos the real me is so fragile and so penetrable.

I finally realised something, i always tell ppl i'm so different whenever i'm around him as compared to whenever i'm with my friends, now then i've come to realised, it was only becos only when i'm with him i can truly be myself, only when i'm with him than can i be the person that i am becos along the way he has torn down the wall i built to protect myself. and only when i'm with him am i only real.

Despite everything i will never ever change my perception of him. he will always be one of the nicest person i have ever met in my life. he is truly such a righteous man. now then i realised why sometimes i hate his behavior so much, it was only becos he was so righteous. everyone said he has a charm and now can i see what his charisma is, its becos he is simply one of the nicest person u will ever meet in ur life and that he is so righteous, this is also why i fell so deeply in love with him. he is definitely one of the best catch a girl could ever find. i am truly blessed to have met him in my life. he has taught me so much about life and so much about myself. i can say that he is definitely someone who has made a mark in my life and changed my life. i cannot be more grateful to have met him and i cannot thank god enough to have given him to me for 15 months. i can only blame myself to have let such a great man slip from my life. how i wish i met him a few years later, when i'm more matured when i have become a better person who will match up to him.

I hate myself for taking so long to see this. i am willing to let go now. not becos i stopped loving him, becos i don think i ever will. not becos i want to break another promise. but becos i know he deserves so much better than me and that i'm the one that has been holding him back. he deserves so much more in life, he deserves a good girl, a girl that i can nvr be, a girl that has a heart that i will nvr have. i feel extremely horrible for holding him back the way i did. now do i truly understand what ppl mean when they say you're too good for me. it's true, now can i see that it is not an excuse for break ups becos in this world there really are ppl that are too good for you and too out of ur reach.

Maybe this whole thing wasnt meant to be and i hate myself for taking so long to see it. it was nvr meant to be from the start becos he was someone so wonderful and i destroyed him and in that 15 months when he was with me he could have been with someone so much better. someone so much more deserving of him than i am. and for that i am truly sorry.

So here i am, i feel so much better after admitting my mistake, i should have done this a long time ago. it really takes a lot of courage to admit this to everyone but if i want to become a better person then this will have to be the first step. to admit something so horrible that i've done to such a wonderful person. yes judge me, i am indeed an horrible person and i don deserve any sympathy from anyone. but you know what? i could care less. becos my close friends are the only ones that matters to me and despite them knowing this they are still my friends, therefore other ppl's opinion really doesnt matter to me anymore. i am determined to be a better person from this day on. i want to be a person that will be good enough one day to deserve a man like him. this r/s has really taught me a lot. i cannot feel more hurt that i have sacrificed this r/s for myself to learn such a mistake. this is definitely one of the biggest scarifies i have ever made in my life. and this will always be one of the biggest regret of my life. but of cos as i've said mistakes comes with consequences, so this is the consequence and i'm going to face it and pull through with it.

Johnathan Chua, i wish you all the happiness in this world. thank you so much for everything that you've given to me in the past one and a half years and thank you for everything that you've done for me. i can nvr be more grateful for anything else in my life. I am truly sorry for everything that i have done and i am truly sorry for all the pain that i've caused you. i really nvr meant to hurt you this way. I thank god for having u come into my life. i'm sorry that i had to do this to us and most of all i'm sorry i did this to you, becos you nvr deserved any of this and you only deserve the best. no matter what u will always have a part in my heart and u will always be kept in the deepest and most meaningful part of my heart. i believe that a person will only find one true love in their life time and without a doubt u're definitely my true love. I hope the best for you in everything you do. You are such a great man, pls don ever settle for anything less in the future. you deserve so much more and so much better. For all that is worth, i will always love you. <3

“You’re a hero and a gentleman, you’re kind and honest, but more than that, you’re the first man I ever truly loved. And no matter what the future brings, you always will be, and I know that my life is better for it.”
—Dear John

2011-08-07T22:23:00.000+08:00

12am 8th aug; it's official; no birthday wishes from him. why must you break me like that?

2011-08-06T19:22:00.000+08:00

b'day in 3 hrs. it still hurts so much.

2011-07-30T00:15:00.008+08:00

It's 7am on a monday morning. I've got sch at 8 and i havent slpt at all. There's too many things going on in my head that i just cant seem to fall aslp these days. Initially i wrote this blog entry a few days back but i've decided not to post it in the end. It was wayy too personal. So here i am, one hour before school;blogging.

I don even know how i feel as of now. Maybe the pain has numbed me completely that i cant feel a thing anymore. My heart has been shattered into a million pieces, it hurts so much that somehow i cant seem to feel the pain anymore. I donno where to start to explain how i feel right now.

I'll be back in sg in sep for a whole year of internship. I donno how i feel about that. Initially, before everything happened, i was dying to go back. Now? I donno what to feel about being back for a year. May i should just stay in Sydney for awhile and wait for everything to die down. But yet i miss sg so damn much and i really just wanna be home.

So i went back sg for the weekend, it was only suppose to be for the weekend, but i ended up staying in sg for a week. Yes call me stupid but i actually missed my flight back to Sydney. I don think anyone can ever beat how dumb i am sometimes. I actually saw my flight timing wrongly and only realised it when i got onto the cab. Now i'm in hell loads of debits cos of the two airplane tickets. I've got to work my ass of in the next few months to pay off my debits. At the same time, i'm so grateful for my friends. When i was stuck at the airport, everyone went all out to help me out, even ppl that i've only known since last thurs to ppl whom i have not spoken to in years. I guess it's true when they say you only know who ur real friends are when u're in trouble. I've nvr been more grateful for my friends.

My b'day is a few days away and i've nvr been more modified, not by the idea of turning 20, although that is already scary enough, but i fear that he wouldnt wish me happy b'day. I've been thinking about it the whole night. i cannot imagine how devastated i'll be, i kept playing the scene in my head, on the 7th of aug at 11.59pm and still no happy b'day text from him. The thought makes me sick, makes my stomach wanna flip inside out, upside down. I'm beyond terrified.

Come to the think of this is the first time in a long time that i'm actually single on my b'day. I actually cannot remember when was the last time i spent my b'day being single. And also for the first time in my life i'm actually single single. With absolutely no guys in my life. i mean you know sometimes when u're single u somehow always have guys here and there. This is actually the first time in my life whereby i really don have any guys at all and i'm actually not talking/texting any guy at all. Surprisingly i'm actually fine. I don find myself being needy at all. I always thought that i'm someone who can nvr be single single for gd, cos i hate being along. i hate not having someone there for me. Recently i nvr fail to surprise myself with such self discovery. Maybe it's becos my heart is still with him and my heart is unwilling to let go. i just cannot imagine being with anyone else, i cannot imagine dating anyone else, touching anyone else or loving anyone else. For the first time i actually want to be single, no flings, no date, no flirting, no nothing, i just want to be single and wait for him.

I'm scared to death for what's going to happen in the next one year when i'm back in sg. i nvr thought that i will hate uncertainties. i nvr thought of myself as someone who is afraid of adventures. but yet again for the first time of my life i'm actually freaking out. I'm so scared not knowing what to expect in the next one year. I'm terrified by the thought of not knowing what's ahead of me, i feel as if i'm walking into a dark cave not knowing where the end is. for the first time i'm actually dying for stability, for the first time in my life i actually want something stable. i want to know what to expect, my life as nvr be this blurred out before.

At the same time i'm also scared that i'm going to turn into the gab i was before i met him. This time when i was back i went clubbing 4 times in one week. I feel like my old habits of clubbing 5 times a week is coming back. I don want to be that gab again. i don want to be that party girl again. i was so lost at a period of time and i desperately needed someone to grab hold of me and pull me back to reality. I was really going out of control back then, he was the one who pulled me back together and now i'm lost once again. But i don want to be that person anymore, i don want to turn back into the spinning out of control "gab", i don want to be that "gab" that everyone calls a party girl and gets drunk almost every night puking outside some club. i need him to keep saint.

I've not changed my laptop and phone wallpaper, i refuse to erase any memories of him. becos i don want to. i don want to erase him from my memory, i don want to erase him out of my life. i don want to pretend like nothing happened between us. i want to remember and i want to feel every bit of pain that is left, i want to wait till the day we'll be back together again. i just refuse to move on and i don want to move on. even when i was clubbing and suppose to be having "fun" with my girlfriends, i find myself telling everyone that i wished he was here with me. I would rather feel the pain again and again to atleast know that everything is real. I need to feel this pain to keep myself alive. i know all my close friends are worried sick, seeing me do this to myself. i'm sorry that i have to make you guys worry like that. I donno how to explain this to u guys anymore, but i hope you guys will continue being there for me. for the first time in my life, my friend actually told me i looked so depress while sitting there while everyone else was chatting away. and the thing was that i didnt even realise it myself, i didnt even know i looked that upset, it was as if everything that was going on inside of me was unknowingly showing on my face.

In the past few weeks, i've been insulted, i've been scolded, i've been beaten to the ground by words. But i refuse to fight back becos i promised him that i wont. For him, i can let ppl insult, i can let the world scold the shit out of me, i can lose my pride, i can lose my dignity, i can let people hit me, i can let ppl say shit in my face. I can go through all these, hoping that one day i could have him back again. I am willing to endure any sort of pain, be it physical pain, emotional pain, verbal pain, mental pain, i can go through all sorts of pain just for that 0.00000000001% of chance that we might get back together again.

I guess this is really love. i don think i have ever been this way before. I don think i've ever felt this way about anyone before, not even towards A, though we were together on and off for 3 years and it did kill a little of me when we broke up for gd but it didnt kill me like that, it didnt make me feel this way. cos after we broke up i did the typical "find another guy to get over ur ex" thing. this time i'm just waiting, waiting for him to come back

i donno how i'm going to get through this, i really dont. everyone kept telling me i am the only one that can help myself. Evan told me "i cant help you if you're like that", i was thinking to myself maybe i don wanna be helped, maybe i just wanna live this way, maybe i just want to be miserable so i can always feel what is left of him.

Ok, it's almost 8. cant wait to go down to melb on weds so i can be with lyanne. i think i really need her with me now and i'm glad i'll atleast be spending my b'day with her, that will make me feel alot better. really looking forward to that. time for sch!

p.s. i promised you i'll wait and i'm going to keep that promise. no guys, no flings, no nothing; just going to wait right here for you. <3

Mambo Jumbo with my lovebos. (:

On the ferry heading to the airport.

Thanks for picking me up from the airport and meeting me for supper!! LOVE YOU THREE!
NEWTON!!!!

Hatched!

my gurdian angel! ((:

Holland Nasi Lemak & Laska! Ly's fav! (:
Fosters high tea!
Have been craving swirl art since the last time i went back! finally satisfied my cravings.
Burger Shack meatballs!
my 3 heros!

Balestier BKT! (:

see you in one month SINGAPORE!

2011-07-17T18:23:00.002+08:00

Look into my eyes - you will see
What you mean to me
Search your heart - search your soul
And when you find me there you'll search no more

Don't tell me it's not worth tryin' for
You can't tell me it's not worth dyin' for
You know it's true
Everything I do - I do it for you

Look into your heart - you will find
There's nothin' there to hide
Take me as I am - take my life
I would give it all - I would sacrifice

Don't tell me it's not worth fightin' for
I can't help it - there's nothin' I want more
Ya know it's true
Everything I do - I do it for you

There's no love - like your love
And no other - could give more love
There's nowhere - unless you're there
All the time - all the way

Oh - you can't tell me it's not worth tryin' for
I can't help it - there's nothin' I want more
I would fight for you - I'd lie for you
Walk the wire for you - ya I'd die for you

Ya know it's true
Everything I do - I do it for you

I do it for you(Everything I do)-Bryan Adam

2011-07-15T18:52:00.003+08:00

Do you ever just sit down one day and think back on how happy you once were and ask urself how the hell did i end up here? Well, i'm having one of those days right now. I'm thinking back on those happy times i had with him and its killing me right now. Becos suddenly those happy times seem so far away, i might never have those times with him again.

i remember how we first started. it was just pure bliss from the top of my head right to my toes. i was SOOOOO happy when him and i just started out. It was the kind of happiness that i have nvr ever felt with anyone else in my life. It seemed like nothing else in this world will ever go wrong as long as i have him right next to me. We were so in love, we could just lie next to each other and stare into each others eyes for hours, we could just sit on ur sofa talked till the sun comes up, we were unbeatable, it seemed like nothing else in this world will ever tear us apart.

I donno what happened along the way, was it me or was it him? Well i always believe it takes two hands to clap. we were both definitely at fault, there's no point pointing out who was more at fault for what has happened to our r/s. But i would like to think there is still hope and there might still be a future for us. Then again maybe there nvr will be again.

i remember the next night after we made up, we went to the water lines and just sat there, you lying on my lap, talking about all those happy times we once had and looking into the distance, it felt so peaceful and everything felt so right again. I remember driving back home in my car and "do you remember" was playing on the radio, i couldnt help but to cry while driving, suddenly everything just came back to me and i hate what has happened to us.

I remember the next day going to catch a movie and we were playing dance dance revolution in the arcade and having so much fun, we havent had that much fun in such a long time. I remember when it was just the two of us taking the lift and you hugged me from the back telling me how much u've missed me.

I remembered us watching a movie on ur bed, a movie u were suppose to watch with another girl when you cuddled me from the back i couldnt help but to tear, thinking this could be someone else you're cuddling. i remember going kite flying, ice skating, pigging out at koka, watching u write in that scrapbook at kap in the middle of the night. it felt as if it was just ytd, but somehow it seems so far away.

It killed me knowing that you think it's better for us to be apart and doing this long distance thing seemed better for our r/s. I wont totally disagree, we seem to be doing much better now. we seem so much happier now and i know u don wanna risk this cos things are so gd. But if we are better at doing long distance than being together than what does that actually make us? does that mean that we're better together when we're actually not together? so does that actually mean that it's better for us to not be together?

there's so many things going on in my head right now. part of me kept thinking that maybe we were nvr meant to be and all these time we were both trying so hard to hold on to something that was nvr meant to be in the first place. But another part of me kept thinking, how could it be, how could it be that we're not meant to be when we had so many good memories together and we were once so happily together? how could it be that two people was once so in love, we were totally inseparable at the beginning, and now we seem to be doing better being physically apart from each other? how did all this happened? what went wrong?

i feel further away from u more than i have ever felt. becos i know you got used to not having me around and you actually prefer it this way. becos i know in the last few months, i've slowly been fading away in ur life. the moment you told me that you rather prefer doing long d for 9 months and not seeing each other at all than to have me back for one year, i knew i just knew right then that was the end of everything. that was the end to everything that i've been holding on to. that was the end to all my happiness. that was the end of our story.

i cannot hate myself more for what has happened. i cannot stop thinking about all those happy times we once had, i fucking hate everything that has happened. i just want everything to go back to the way it was last year January and just stay there and nvr come back. but now it's too late, before last night i thought we still had it all and we could still work everything out. but after last night i just knew it was the end, now, it's really too late.

atleast i have those happy memories to think back on, but really i rather not. i rather not remember any of those happy memories i had, i now hate myself for having such a gd memory, hating the fact that i can remember every single detail right down to what u were wearing on those days. i rather not remember becos it's too painful for me to know how happy we can be together and makes miss everything, absolutely everything about you. it also reminds me that no one, absolutely no one in this world will every make me that happy again.

I wish things worked out differently, i wish i could turn back time and doing everything all over again, i promise to make things right, but whats the point? i've been slowly fading away in ur life and u've slowly fallen out of love with me. i donno how i'm gonna get through all these knowing that i don have your heart anymore, or maybe i nvr had it in the first place. this is when i know my heart has stopped at john.

2011-07-14T00:22:00.003+08:00

I hate falling sick when i'm overseas, it makes me SOOOOOOOO HOMESICK!! )): Just wanna go back sg asap. It'll be week 7 next week, 5 more weeks and i'm home!!! omg TIME PLS PAST FASTER!!! ):

I got bored awhile ago and decided to re-read my old blog post. I love reading my old posts, it's so freaking W-T-F!! I cannot believe i used to type like this.... like after every sentence i'll go.... oh god! its sooooo annoying! hahaha. plus the things i blogged about doesnt even make sense. boy was i childish back then!! I bet 2 years from now i'll feel stupid reading this blog post as well. HAHAHA!! This is why i enjoy blogging. it's nice to look back once in awhile and see how much you've changed since then.

I donno why but somehow i didnt really change much appearance wise. Somehow i seem to have the same look since sec 3. I mean when i was younger ppl often said i'm matured looking, but as i grow older my looks didnt grow at all. I'm turning 20 in less than a month and some of my current sch mates said i look no older than 18!! At most 19!! HAHAHAHA!! WHICH IS A GOOD THING!! Now that i'm older, i rather look young! HAHAHA.

This was in sec 3.

ok maybe i look more innocent back then! HAHAHA! magenta if u ever see this pls don kill me!!

This was in sec 4

yes guys, pls have a good laugh! during O lvls i was so stressed i decided to cut my hair short. BIGGEST REGRET OF MY LIFE!! Never ever am i ever gonna cut my hair short EVER AGAIN!! Plus to make things worst, i decided to cut bangs! I LOOK LIKE A JOKE!! I donno why, but i have this habit of cutting bangs once a year and regretting it the moment i walk out of the salon.

This was in J1

not much change from before right?!? I think my face shape look a little different maybe cos of my hair style. But somehow i still looked the same.

This was in J2.

I swear my face is like photocopied!! NO CHANGE AT ALL?!?

This was last year.
this was the first ever photo i took with chua. even before the sunflower photo. Hahaha. Back then we were already happening, but no one knew. we were very much still "friends". It was pretty retarded, cos we were like holding hands and all in town but yet no one caught us and everyone believed that we were just really close friends!! i think only lyanne knew about it. HAHAHAHA!
LYYYYYYY!! MY BFF!! I think getting to know her was one of the best things that has ever happened to me. No one and no friend can ever replace her in my life! AND O-M-G!! LOOK AT MY FREAKING ARMS!! FUCKING FAT TTMXXX!! i swear i was pretty fat at one point last year and no one bothered to tell me!! >:(

2011

This was when i first got to sydney. So yup this is pretty much how i look now. HAHAHAHA!!

I chose all the pictures with almost the same angle and same smile. and i swear my face hasnt changed at all since sec 3! maybe the shape of my face has changed here and there. But somehow i look almost the same. hahaha. Now that i'm turning 20 in 3 weeks time, i hope my face wont change in the next 5 years! i hope i'll always look this "young", i think that will be my b'day wish this year. to always look like i'm just 18! HAHAHAHA! Delusional!

Sorry if this is such a WTF post. i'm just amazed at how little i've changed since i was 15, it's been 5 years and my face barely changed at all. Like you see some ppl, their photo of them when they were 15 was SOOOOOOO different from now. Maybe it's a bad thing that i didnt change at all, looking the same will mean that i didnt put in the effort to look better, no? Maybe i should do a make over and have a different look? we'll see. (: till next time <3

2011-07-07T22:26:00.004+08:00

HI SHORTTOODERSTRAWBERRY!! Havent been here in awhile. i donno whether i still have it in me to blog anymore. I'm so caught up right now that i just cant seem to find the time to blog.

It's been almost 4 months since i've last blogged. i cannot decide whether i actually miss blogging. somehow blogging isnt part of my life anymore. oh well, i'm here now and i'm just gonna give a brief update on my life and also it's exactly ONE MONTH AWAY FROM MY B'DAY!! ((: heeheehee.

So here i am back in Sydney, yet again. I'm already in week 5 of my 2nd term, things are about to get real crazy from now on all the way till exams. i have a million and one assignments due in the coming weeks but i cant seem to find the motivation to start working on them. i guess i don ever learn my lesson when it comes to doing last min work. this term's events modules are CRAZYYYYY!! I hate what i'm doing now. I never knew there was so much into events. week after week, assignments after assignment i'm just planning and planning different events over and over again. i cannot imagine doing this in the future, i might just die. events is just TOOOOO demanding. it drives you crazy sometimes! Don get me wrong, i only seem to say this when it comes to assignment time, other than that i love what i'm learning cos it's exactly what i wanna do in the future. i think what seems to suck now is the fact that after planning an event i cant "bring it to life". Nonetheless, from the bottom of my heart, i love doing events. My life is a tragic irony. HAHAHAHA.

Also, i'm living on school campus now AND IT CANT SUCK MORE!! I HATE THIS HELL HOLE!! It's probably the most miserable place in sydney i swear! it's the worst kind of campus life u can expect. it's like a freaking jail here and not forgetting the food sucks! i'm SOOOOO sick and tired of western food, i think i've had enough western food to last me a life time!! I miss where i was staying previously, though it gets lonely sometimes but it's SOOOOO much better than this shit place. i'm never EVER gonna stay on campus EVER AGAIN!!

Cant wait to go back sg in sep or maybe even last week of aug if i'm lucky enough to finish my exams on the first week. exam timetable is coming out this week!! *fingers crossed* heehee. and this time i'll have plenty of time in sg!! (: cos i'll be back in sg from this year sep till next year sep for internship!! cos in order for me to graduate i have to complete 9 months of internship! (: heehee. i know i know, i've only been here half a year and now i have to go back already? but honestly, i'm SOOOOO freaking home sick, though i never imagined myself to be the home sick kind. i cant wait to go back sg for a gd whole year. but first, i've got to look for an internship! HAHAHAHAHA! though i've already gotten one, but i wanna look for something better. so *fingers crossed* (:

Another thing worth updating about it that, i'm dating an army boy AND IT CANNOT SUCK MORE!! I HATE SAF!! Though in the last two weeks it has gotten alot better. but i still miss him constantly. i remember the first two weeks when he first went in, i was on melt down mode, i was going crazyyyyyyy!! though i hate to admit, but i was pretty psychotic. HAHAHAHA!! and every night when he has to hang i'll end up crying, i did that for two weeks straight, i don even know how my body manages to produce so much tears. although i'm getting used to it, but him being in army still sucks! i guess its something every singaporean girl has to go through. oh well. i'm just grateful that we're still in each other's life despite everything. (:

I know ppl are gonna start asking me about chua and i. (btw, the army boy is chua. heehee.) So here's just a brief update on the two of us, not gonna go into details. we're no longer officially together, but we're still seeing each other, i guess you can call it dating. (though he prefer telling ppl that we're just close friends) we're trying to work things out at the moment and we both wanna make sure that if we ever get back together again it's got to be perfect. i still do love him very much or for that matter even more than before. Though we're not officially together but i'm pretty happy with the way things are right now. i think breaking up really did the two of us alot of gd, it made the two of us realise how much we actually need each other in our life. i think we're both very comfortable with one another but somehow along the way we both took alot of things for granted. so here we are trying to build a better relationship and hopefully everything works out in the future. (:

Though life sucks here and there, but this is life right? suck it up and live with it. (: chua said i've just got to "suck thumb"(something he learnt from army) and i need to stop being such a "princess". although i hate it when he disagrees with me and try to talk sense into me when i'm complaining about "life",but i know what he said make sense and he's saying it for my own good. this is one of the best things i like about him. (: ok off i go now. (: i'll try to blog a little more, if i can find the time. actually you know what? i do miss blogging. (: till next time! <3

always irreplaceable.
my babies. (:

red lipstick.
while nic was in syd for her fencing competition. (:

(;close to my heart <3

2011-03-26T13:53:00.009+08:00

HIIIIIIIII!!! Yes, i'm alive! honestly i think this is a really bad time to blog, but i've gotta keep myself occupied to keep my mind off things. Sorry i've MIA-ed from my blogger for awhile, actually a LONG LONG WHILE! But i've been really busy with school and settling down here in sydney. promise i'll blog more when i have the time.

So it's been almost two months since i've got here. next week will be my 7th week in school. not really gonna blog in details what happened in the last 7 weeks. cos there's just retarded. so here's just a summary and honestly i don feel like blogging at all. i think there's more things in my life that needs my attention right now other then my blog.

Coming to sydney might have just been the best decision i've made in my life. Since i've got here i really feel like i've grown alot, alot more independent then i'll ever imagine myself to be. Being here taught me alot of things, one of the most important lesson i've learnt here is that you cant depend your life on anyone else other than yourself. When you're overseas there's no mummy and daddy to help you solve any of your problems, you have to settle everything yourself, from going grocery shopping to paying your own bills. This is definitely a 360 change from what i used to be. back in sg i think i was wayyyy too spoiled by the my mummy, daddy and those around me.

Although i miss sg like crazy and one in awhile i'll feel extremely home sick (like how i'm feeling right now) but i'm happy to be here. i like it here. i like my life here and i like what i'm doing here. i'm so glad that i chose my sch and sydney out of all the places that i was suppose to go. I love my course and i think that is really important, though i sometimes i dread going to sch and i miss my meaningless and everyday bum around life, but i love what i'm doing now. i like what i'm doing, what i'm learning is definitely what i wanna do in the future and being in this course made my future alot closer, knowing that i'm just one step away from doing what i wanna do for the rest of my life.

I think when you're all along, you tend to have alot of time to reflect on your life and things you've done. I nvr thought i could feel this way about certain things, but now i do. being overseas totally changed my mindset on alot of issues. First and foremost is my view on my family. although i like it here without them cos i'm no longer caught in between my mum and dad, i don have to deal with any of their nonsense anymore, but i miss my family more then i thought i was going to. i miss having them around in my life. ): also, i nvr thought i could do anything along, if you know me, you'll know that i'm someone who cant even go to the toilet alone when i was back in sg, but now i can do absolutely everything by myself and most of the time i'm by myself. I think choosing to stay alone all by myself instead of staying in the hostel was a gd decision on my part, cos it really made me grow up alot, it forces me to do things that i nvr thought i'll ever do. and i'm grateful for that.

i'm grateful to be here. i'm grateful for my parents sending me here. i think i've learnt to be alot more grateful now that i'm here. there's so many things in life that we take for granted, sadly but true, we don ever realise it till we've lost it. i think coming overseas really did me alot of gd, this is exactly what i need in my life after the gap year i took. this is exactly what i need to get hold of myself again and put my life back on track. This has definitely been a life changing experience for me.

Sorry, this is a rather emo post, i'm rather emo right now, cos chua and szetoh just left a few hours ago! )': having them here with me was the closet i get to singapore and they made me realise how much i've missed singapore. i think the last two weeks spent with them was the best two weeks i've had since i've got here. And i cannot believe that now their gone. ): 6 more weeks till i'm back in sg! i can do this! suck it up gab! i'm strong enough to get through this! <3>

melb with my bestfriend! :D

zooooooooooo.
fatties' iron chief!

biggest seafood platter i've ever seen!!
love the three fatties. (:

manly(:

turn back time.

2011-02-13T20:36:00.006+08:00

HIIIIII!!! GREETINGS FROM AUSSIE LANDDDD!!! (: So here i am blogging for the first time from sydney. I cannot believe i've been here for only a week! It seemed like forever to me. ): exactly one week ago at this time i left singapore. ): how i wish i didn't.

Life here isn't so bad. to be very honest i love this place. it's so chill. but the services here are really… super inefficient ttmx! they can pissed the shit outta you i swear! but it's ok i'll get used to this chill life style. (: Tmr's my first day of sch. rather excited! haven't been to sch in over a year. i donno whether i even know how to study anymore. hahaha. also it's time to make some friends tmr! i'm a lonely turtle here with no friends since i've skipped most days of my orientation. hopefully i'll make friends in class, if not my life here is gonna be so miserable i swear!

staying alone is really as what i've imagined. no longer have to hear my mum nag at me 24/7! i swear my life here will be perfect if chua was here as well. i hate the fact that all my friends and family are in sg! it makes me miss sg so damn much! how i wish they could all move here! then sydney would be perfecto! (: heehee.

Cant wait for chua to visit me after his exams! ((: i miss him so damn much! ytd was our one year and tmr is v'day, we cant spend either of them together! i swear it's fated that we don spend our anni and v'day together, cos the something happened last year! ): it's ok hopefully we'll be able to spend it next year! (:

Visiting ly this coming wedd!!! OMG CANT WAIT!! CANNOT BELIEVE THAT I'M VISITING MY BESTFRIEND IN A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT COUNTRY!! as ly said no more orchard and lido! hahahaha. really excited! ly is honestly the only thing i've been looking forward in aussie! we're gonna have a hell of a time together! super excited!!! (:

ok i'm off to Skype with chua for awhile before going to bed. sch starts at 10 tmr! but i've got to be up by 7 cos i stay 2 freaking hours away from sch! sigh the price u have to pay in order to stay alone. oh well. that's life~~ in case i don get to blog tmr HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!!! You ppl have no idea how lucky u are to spend it with ur bfs/gfs! i'm so jealous! really. ): till next time! <3

i miss rebel! ):

sydney fish market!!!

my kitchen! be jealous cos it comes with a dishwasher!!! (((:
triple-decker trainsss
awwww. how i've missed vanilla coke!

the train system here is MAD!!!
darling harbourrr.

met up with nuru for dinner and shopping!! (:
that's my hogwarts-like sch. i swear its really hogwarts inside.
chinese food from a box!! LOVES IT!!!
i'll always be yours; now and forever

2011-02-03T08:29:00.003+08:00

okkkk. it's 8.35 now and i'm still wideeee awake! i'm so awake after walking from chua's place all the way back to mine. though we leave rather near each other but it was such a torture i swear! i know it's cny but WTF HAPPENED TO ALL THE CABS IN SG?!?! tried calling a cab for half and hour and there was absolutely ZERO cabs available! i swear this is why i always wanna drive to whether i go. the first time i've decided not to drive to CQ i end up walking home from chua's place! ARGHHHHH! so annoyed! i cannot imagine not having a car when i'm in aussie i swear i'm gonna die. i'm so reliant on the car, i cant get outta my house without having to drive or flag a cab(that is if there's any cabs to begin with!)

anyways, HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR!!! thank god i don really have much visiting to do if not i'll just kill myself. hate having to go to ppl's house sit there, stare into thin air, talk to ppl that i don even wanna have a convo with and act like i'm super gd girl. gonna meet chua's extended family for the first time this new year. i was telling him all his relatives are gonna hate me! golden hair, tongue stud, eyeliner, short skirt. HAHAHAHAHA! i promise i'll dress as decent as possible on that day. i'll be a dumpling if i have to. (:

tonight was my last night at rebel. rather upsetting. ): i kept looking around at everyone having fun knowing that i'm gonna miss out on all these when i'm gone. walking to the vip stand to get my stamp, walking in to vip sitting down and bored to death while waiting for the drinks, the rebel chicken wings, ppl trying to kill one another, dancing like a mad bitch at vip/spaceman! oh man i swear i'm gonna miss rebel so damn much! not that i'm a party girl(which i'm TOTALLY NOT!) but rebel has became my 2nd home and i'll crave for martell if i don have it for too long. sigh, i swear when i'm back for holidays i'm just gonna rebel all the way, since i'm not allowed to party at all when i'm in aussie; instructions given by john chua. but it's so unfair cos he'll be having so much fun at rebel.):

ok it's time to head to bed. gotta go visiting in the afternoon, i have no idea how i'm gonna wake up to that and even worst i have ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO WEAR!!! all my clothes are well packed into my luggage and there's no way i'm opening it up. sigh. atleast there's bak kwa and angbao to look forward to. nights world! <3
baby joven. (:
i swear this is the best chicken wing ever! i'm gonna miss this so much. ):
bloop bloop. (:

i'm gonna miss you suan-ing me!

baby please dont go.

2011-02-02T02:20:00.003+08:00

just got back from my farewell dinner with the guys and my girls. (: thanks for coming everyone! it was really last min and i'm so glad that all of you were able to make an effort to come for my farewell dinner. LOVE every single one of you! (:

so i'm about done having farewell dinner with individual groups of ppl. there are so many ppl i've yet to meet but i cant find the time cos tmr is the start if cny. sigh, if only i'm able to meet more ppl before i leave. but you know what? i'll be back in no time. so i can meet up with the rest when i'm back on my long holiday in may. (:

i think i'm slowly coming to terms with the fact that i'm leaving. i mean today's tues i'm only left with 6 days till i'm gone. what more can i do but to come to terms with it? well the only thing i'm actually looking forward to in aussie is probably going over to melb the following weekend to visit ly! (: cannot believe we're just half an hour flight away from one another. i swear i'll be there so damn often considering the fact that the ticket is only 50 bucks. gonna try my best to transfer to the unis in melb in my second year. really when i think back it was rather stupid to choose Sydney instead of melb. i feel so near yet so far away from ly. sigh. i swear if i was going over to melb instead of Sydney i probably wont be as miserable as i do now.

reunion dinner tmr with my family. havent had dinner with my whole family, meaning mummy+daddy in FOREVER! but they're making an effort to sit on the same table for a few hours so i'll be able to have a FULL family dinner with them before i fly off. then it's off to rebel to get myself dead drunk. i swear everyone is gonna kill me tmr night, i promised sze toh that i'll drink as many waterfalls as he's willing to buy me. hahahaha. i'm so dead i swear. during my birthday, just 1/4 of a waterfall after two cups of pure martell was able to make me lie on the freaking sofa with a chicken wing in my hand. sigh.

anyways, ppl's been asking me again and again about my flight details. so here goes. it's on the 6th of feb 8.45pm at T3. i'll be there by 5 or so cos i'm gonna have dinner with chua. call me when you guys reach or give me a heads up so i know you guys are coming. i'll probably be too busy crying and have no time to check my phone.

well. atleast now i'm still able to count the days. i swear when i'm able to start counting by hours it's gonna fucking kill me! sigh. off to do my thang now! the next time when i update it met be in Sydney! ): till then. <3

baby joven(:

love my girlsss. (:
i'll miss you terribly. ):

2011-01-28T01:35:00.008+08:00

I'm listening to Angus and Julia stone now. ly intro-ed it to me and i'm so addicted to it now. when i go over to visit ly in melb i'm gonna bug ly to transfer the whole album to me! you guys should go check their songs out! it's so addictive! (:

not that i actually wanna count down but today's the 28th, 9 more days till i leave sg. ): you know it's so hard to wake up everyday go out and put a fake smile on my face when i'm slowly dying as the days past. every single min i spent with chua seems like gold to me, i don think i've ever treasured time this much. every time he kisses me, it kills a little of me inside, knowing that a week from now those kisses will be long gone. it's so hard for me to deal with all these emotions running through me, i don even have a word to describe how i feel. i cannot imagine a week from now i wont even be able to touch chua i wont be able to hold his hand, hug him, kiss him, lie next to him, or see him face to face. i donno how i'm gonna take it. all i know is that i'm not gonna take it well.

honestly i'm quite surprised that i've not set into depression yet, i think i'll seriously fall into depression when i'm there. chua has become such a big part of my life. i donno how to face my life without him. though i'm as independent as hell, but when i'm with chua i just become so reliant on him, i don think i've ever been this dependent on anyone. EVER. all my life i've felt so lonely, all my life i feel as if i have no one in the world to rely on and count on. but chua makes me feel whole. for once i can finally have someone to count on and finally someone can be there for me and face my problems together with me.

well. this is life and i know it's for the better, it's for the sake of my future. i know it's gd for me. regarding my r/s, if it actually works out, then hooray for me. but if it doesnt then i guess it's just not meant to be. a friend asked me, how can you deal with the fact knowing that this r/s will eventually end. well, i just lie to myself and keep telling myself that this will work out and i am gonna spend my life happily with chua. then again isnt that what all of us are doing when we're in a r/s? we dream about spending the rest of out lives with our partner but when you sit down and think about it, you know that this r/s is somehow going to end anyways. so why does long d make a difference in this theory?

oh well, on the brighter note, PAINT BALL THIS SAT FOR SZE TOH'S B'DAY CELEBRATION!! i donno why but sze toh's b'day celebration seems nvr ending? hahahah. like it's gonna be almost a week since his b'day and we're still celebrating it. kinda excited, nvr played paint ball before. but totally not looking forward to how the guys esp sze toh, chern and jon are gonna bully me during paint ball. i swear i'm gonna end up with a million and one bruises when the game ends. ok ending here now, gonna head to dome and shoot some zombies, gonna shot all my sadness and troubles away. needa start bring my cam out more often. ending now. <3>

REBEL FTWWWWW!!!!!
i miss thailand. ):

pixie pix pix(:
finally rebel with my girls! (:

NEW YEAR'S EVE! (:

i cannot imagine my life without you.

2011-01-19T02:56:00.003+08:00

hiiii! i'm currently at coffee bean@holland watching chua study and being a wed's night and chua being the addict that he is, is rushing to finish up his work so we can rush to rebel. zzzzzz. sigh. what an addict. why cant everyone be like me and be a gd girl? HAHAHAHAH! right.

ytd met up with my island loves for my farewell dinner. which was kinda early for a farewell cos i'm sure i'll be seeing them this weekend or next week. hahaha. nonetheless i enjoyed myself very much. i love hanging around with them, they're always so bubbly and cheerful. and they make me laugh so hard all the time. i think they're probably the best thing that came out of me working at island. i'm so grateful that i've met such lovely ppl at island. they're like my second family, i feel so comfortable and warm when we're all together. (: i love how all of them think the best of me no matter what others say, becos they insist that they know me better then that. this bunch are what you call true friends. when others wanna say stuff about you they'll always have your back becos they know you so well and they know you so much better then what other ppl have to say. also they make me feel like i'm part of something. i know it's disgusting but i love that feeling of knowing that you belong somewhere. i love you people!! i'm gonna miss you guys so much when i'm gone. ):

oh myyyy. today's already the 20th ): only 17 days left in singapore! OMG!! )": HOW THE HELL DID TIME PASS SO FAST! the last i remembered i had like 30 days still and now i'm only left with 17! FML FML FUCK MY LIFE! ): really don wanna leave. ): i donno which part of my brain actually thinks that it's fun and exciting to leave a place you're terribly familiar and comfortable with for a place which is completely foreign to you! oh god, why did i put myself through this. when i think back now, i really kinda regret my decision. what the hell was i thinking man. no doubt it's gonna be a great experience from me and ppl kept on telling me that it's a blessing that i get to go overseas to study. though a part of me agrees but a huge part of me beg to differ. ):

i'm praying and really hoping that i'll enjoy myself there. cos there's no turning back now and i do things with no regrets. no matter how much i'm gonna hate it there i'm going to complete my university studies and i'm gonna ace it. i know it's a struggle for my parents to send me there, before i even leave this country they've spent almost 10k on me already, that's not even including my first term tuition fee. i cannot imagine them having to spend more once i'm there. i'm not gonna disappoint my parents. i'm gonna make the best out of what they're offering me.

alright i think chua is almost done with his project. gonna head to rebel now. sze toh if you're ever gonna read this which i know you do on a daily basis. i'm SO NOT LOOKING FORWARD TO seeing you at rebel later. i know you're gonna suan me like there's no tmr. pls be kind to me tonight. ):sighhhhh. ok be back next time. <3>

DEE DEE!(:
wehhhhhhh face. hahahahaha!

lub lub lub lub lub

roar*
pixieeeeee (:
love every single one of you!

2011-01-16T02:06:00.007+08:00

HI ALLL!!! I'm blogging on my mac air for the very first time!! ((: love how light my computer is!! LOVE MY MAC AIR!!! the only thing i hate about my lovely laptop is that i wont download funshion! i'm definitely gonna install windows on my mac just to watch my shows. heehee. i'm almost done with my shopping list for aussie. just got a few more things to buy and most importantly try to score a new prada bag with mummy but i feel bad. guess i'll just have to swap one with my credit card when daddy gives me mine. woop woop. my life is almost complete. (: if only i could bring chua along with me to aussie!! then my life would really be complete. sigh. ):

life has been normal so far. nothing exciting. but i don need any excitement, i feel blessed just being able to spend everyday with chua. i cant ask for more. i'm contented with the way my life is now. though i'm sad to leave but i'm more then ready to go back to sch and i'm actually rather excited about sch. going to a brand new country all by myself and exploring a brand new world. i've always wanted to do that and now it's my turn to fly, my turn to make my dreams come true. however i cannot help but to feel a pinch of sadness, well, it's inevitable. who wouldnt be sad if they were to leave everything behind and go somewhere completely foreign to start a new? i hope i'll adapt quick, i'm not very gd at being alone, i cant do anything by myself, i cannot imagine my life there, but hopefully after that i'll become more independent and maybe i'll stop being such a baby.

Rather excited about next week, farewell dinner with my island loves at newton, i wanna eat as much local food as i can before i leave. going back to CJ for lunch with liang on friday!! havent seen her in FOREVER!! AND I MEAN FOREVER!! also gonna have some mac tutorial with her, she's a mac pro! (: however, that will mean that i'll have one less week in sg. ): i'm glad that the past few weeks time has somehow slowed down. maybe i'm just treasuring and appreciating every moment of it, thus it seems to pass slower then normal.

today's the 16th i have exactly 21 days more to go! 3 weeks from now at this time i'll probably be on the plane. sigh. chua say he donno how i'm even gonna walk into the departure gate. i think chua will have to push me in, if not i confirm, 100% chop wont walk in myself. sigh, really don wanna think about. i'm still contemplating whether i want chua to send me off, it's gonna be so hard to walk away. but then again i'll be even more upset if he doesnt send me off. oh well. ):

anyways my friends, if you guys wanna send me off, it's on the 6th of feb and my flight is at 845pm. and those that i havent met in ages pls make time for me!! really wanna meet all my friends before i go. initially i wanted to have a farewell party and invite every single one of my friends. but i thought about it, it probably wont work out cos i wont be able to spend any proper time with any of my friends, so i'm just gonna meet them individually, that way i'll be able to spend some quality time with all of them before i go. ok i'm off to transfer everything in my vaio into my mac. tata! till next time! <3>i miss my girls. ):

2011-01-04T00:41:00.006+08:00

HI GUYS! HAPPY 2011!!! ((: hope the new year have been great for all. sadly for me i've been either tearing/ crying almost everyday since the start of 2011. sigh as of now i'm left with 35 days till i leave singapore. i just cannot control my emotions any longer. i can pack my luggage and cry at the same time. sigh, my life is gonna suck so badly in the next 35 days. fml! i hate 2011!

so this is probably the last time i'm gonna blog using my stupid, retarded, useless vaio! i hate my vaio and i totally regret buying it! if i was to choose again 3 years ago i'll probably get the old mac air, but whatever, i'm gonna lay hands on the new MAC AIR TMR MORNINGGGGG!!! MAC AIR COME TO MAMA!!! finally i'm getting my mac book. daddy promised me mac book since my b'day but he got me an useless ipad instead. i'm soooooo excitedddd! i'm gonna camwhore like mad with chua using my mac air!! so i can look at them when i'm in aussie! (: heehee. but i'll probably gonna be a real mac noob! i have no idea how to operate a mac! maybe i'm gonna go over to ly's place again tmr and ask her to tutor me on mac. heehee. (:

so everyone is talking about new year resolution for 2011. hmmmm. i don really believe in new year resolutions anymore cos for me, they don ever happen and i don ever change? hahahaha. so i guess this year i just wanna be a gd girlfriend to john chua and give my 101% to our LDR. study hard for sch, though i highly doubt so! and WAKE UP FOR SCH! hahaha. i swear if i have any class at 8am, i'm probably gonna miss every single one fo them! most importantly, BE HAPPY! (: i really hope 2011 is gonna be a great year for me! (:

alrighty, gonna go to bed now so i can wake up early enough to get my mac air before heading to work at island. gonna try working with all my island loves before i leave for aussie. sigh, as of now life sucks! reallly don wanna leave singapore! ): <3 sunset grill! (:

new years! (: last time using my lousy LOUSY webcam from my vaio! heehee.