People ask what happened between him and i, only people whom are close to me know the truth, becos the truth is not something that i'm very proud of and i have not told anyone that is not close enough to me and of cos when u have done something wrong, everyone being human will try to cover it up. But here i am, i'm going to admit my mistake, becos honesty starts from here. i just turned 20 a week ago and it is time for me to be a grown up and stop trying to cover up my mistakes and start working them out instead.
So our r/s ended becos i cheated on him. Yes, you heard me right i cheated. it was a very stupid mistake on my part and i think no one would have ever expected me to cheat on him, i didnt expect it myself. but it happened and i'm no longer going to deny it and i'm not going to try to cover it up any longer. I think sometimes ppl always try to cover up the truth becos they are afraid of what others will think of them and how others will judge them. I have always told my friends that what others think of you really doesnt matter, as long as ur true friends know who you are and despite everything they will still stand by you; then thats whats important in life. i think sometimes i only know how to give advice to other ppl but i donno how to use my own advice. I'm finally coming clean becos the only person that really matters in my life already thinks that worst of me so what are other ppl's opinion ever gonna matter to me? i asked myself, does it even matter what others think of you anymore?
Yes, so i hope no one will ever feel sorry for me, becos i don deserve it, i single handedly destroyed everything that was important to me, i destroyed my own happiness. so i deserve everything, every misery that i'm going through right now. i've been so willing to wait for him and i was so determined to keep my promises to him becos i know i did something wrong and i hurt him like no other, if it's gonna take me a life time to make things up to him, i will. I deserve everything everything that i'm going through right now. and i want to feel all the pain that is left to feel becos i deserve it, i fucking deserve this.
For the past few weeks i've been asking god why is he putting me through this, why is he torturing me like that? today i've finally found the answer, it wasnt becos he thinks that i'm strong enough to pull through all these, it wasnt becos he thought this will be the best for me. He's only putting me through this becos i deserve it, i deserve every bit of it. Becos i deserved to be punished like that. i need to stop blaming others for a mistake i've made. i need to start growing up and see that mistakes comes with consequences and if this is the consequence i have to face then so be it cos i've made a mistake. when you make a mistake there's no easy way out, you just have to face the consequences and get through it. dear god, thank you for teaching me this lesson and i cannot be more grateful for that.
Believe me, i don think i have ever regretted anything this much in my life. I wish i didnt destroy this r/s becos now that it has ended i realised that this was and still is the only thing that ever mattered to me and this was the only thing that was real in my life. maybe it was the way i grew up, i wont deny that sometimes i'm not honest with people, except a few of my really close friends, becos somehow along the years of growing up i started to build a wall around me. i didnt tell me ppl the exact truth becos i didnt want ppl to judge me and i didnt want ppl to feel sorry for me. Maybe it's becos of my parents i hate it when ppl feel sorry for me, i don want ppl to think that i'm weak and that i can be pushed around, i've always tried to put up this strong front, always act like i'm impenetrable and that nothing in this world ever matters to me. but you know what? that's not the real me, becos the real me is so fragile and so penetrable.
I finally realised something, i always tell ppl i'm so different whenever i'm around him as compared to whenever i'm with my friends, now then i've come to realised, it was only becos only when i'm with him i can truly be myself, only when i'm with him than can i be the person that i am becos along the way he has torn down the wall i built to protect myself. and only when i'm with him am i only real.
Despite everything i will never ever change my perception of him. he will always be one of the nicest person i have ever met in my life. he is truly such a righteous man. now then i realised why sometimes i hate his behavior so much, it was only becos he was so righteous. everyone said he has a charm and now can i see what his charisma is, its becos he is simply one of the nicest person u will ever meet in ur life and that he is so righteous, this is also why i fell so deeply in love with him. he is definitely one of the best catch a girl could ever find. i am truly blessed to have met him in my life. he has taught me so much about life and so much about myself. i can say that he is definitely someone who has made a mark in my life and changed my life. i cannot be more grateful to have met him and i cannot thank god enough to have given him to me for 15 months. i can only blame myself to have let such a great man slip from my life. how i wish i met him a few years later, when i'm more matured when i have become a better person who will match up to him.
I hate myself for taking so long to see this. i am willing to let go now. not becos i stopped loving him, becos i don think i ever will. not becos i want to break another promise. but becos i know he deserves so much better than me and that i'm the one that has been holding him back. he deserves so much more in life, he deserves a good girl, a girl that i can nvr be, a girl that has a heart that i will nvr have. i feel extremely horrible for holding him back the way i did. now do i truly understand what ppl mean when they say you're too good for me. it's true, now can i see that it is not an excuse for break ups becos in this world there really are ppl that are too good for you and too out of ur reach.
Maybe this whole thing wasnt meant to be and i hate myself for taking so long to see it. it was nvr meant to be from the start becos he was someone so wonderful and i destroyed him and in that 15 months when he was with me he could have been with someone so much better. someone so much more deserving of him than i am. and for that i am truly sorry.
So here i am, i feel so much better after admitting my mistake, i should have done this a long time ago. it really takes a lot of courage to admit this to everyone but if i want to become a better person then this will have to be the first step. to admit something so horrible that i've done to such a wonderful person. yes judge me, i am indeed an horrible person and i don deserve any sympathy from anyone. but you know what? i could care less. becos my close friends are the only ones that matters to me and despite them knowing this they are still my friends, therefore other ppl's opinion really doesnt matter to me anymore. i am determined to be a better person from this day on. i want to be a person that will be good enough one day to deserve a man like him. this r/s has really taught me a lot. i cannot feel more hurt that i have sacrificed this r/s for myself to learn such a mistake. this is definitely one of the biggest scarifies i have ever made in my life. and this will always be one of the biggest regret of my life. but of cos as i've said mistakes comes with consequences, so this is the consequence and i'm going to face it and pull through with it.
Johnathan Chua, i wish you all the happiness in this world. thank you so much for everything that you've given to me in the past one and a half years and thank you for everything that you've done for me. i can nvr be more grateful for anything else in my life. I am truly sorry for everything that i have done and i am truly sorry for all the pain that i've caused you. i really nvr meant to hurt you this way. I thank god for having u come into my life. i'm sorry that i had to do this to us and most of all i'm sorry i did this to you, becos you nvr deserved any of this and you only deserve the best. no matter what u will always have a part in my heart and u will always be kept in the deepest and most meaningful part of my heart. i believe that a person will only find one true love in their life time and without a doubt u're definitely my true love. I hope the best for you in everything you do. You are such a great man, pls don ever settle for anything less in the future. you deserve so much more and so much better. For all that is worth, i will always love you. <3