I don even know how i feel as of now. Maybe the pain has numbed me completely that i cant feel a thing anymore. My heart has been shattered into a million pieces, it hurts so much that somehow i cant seem to feel the pain anymore. I donno where to start to explain how i feel right now.
I'll be back in sg in sep for a whole year of internship. I donno how i feel about that. Initially, before everything happened, i was dying to go back. Now? I donno what to feel about being back for a year. May i should just stay in Sydney for awhile and wait for everything to die down. But yet i miss sg so damn much and i really just wanna be home.
So i went back sg for the weekend, it was only suppose to be for the weekend, but i ended up staying in sg for a week. Yes call me stupid but i actually missed my flight back to Sydney. I don think anyone can ever beat how dumb i am sometimes. I actually saw my flight timing wrongly and only realised it when i got onto the cab. Now i'm in hell loads of debits cos of the two airplane tickets. I've got to work my ass of in the next few months to pay off my debits. At the same time, i'm so grateful for my friends. When i was stuck at the airport, everyone went all out to help me out, even ppl that i've only known since last thurs to ppl whom i have not spoken to in years. I guess it's true when they say you only know who ur real friends are when u're in trouble. I've nvr been more grateful for my friends.
My b'day is a few days away and i've nvr been more modified, not by the idea of turning 20, although that is already scary enough, but i fear that he wouldnt wish me happy b'day. I've been thinking about it the whole night. i cannot imagine how devastated i'll be, i kept playing the scene in my head, on the 7th of aug at 11.59pm and still no happy b'day text from him. The thought makes me sick, makes my stomach wanna flip inside out, upside down. I'm beyond terrified.
Come to the think of this is the first time in a long time that i'm actually single on my b'day. I actually cannot remember when was the last time i spent my b'day being single. And also for the first time in my life i'm actually single single. With absolutely no guys in my life. i mean you know sometimes when u're single u somehow always have guys here and there. This is actually the first time in my life whereby i really don have any guys at all and i'm actually not talking/texting any guy at all. Surprisingly i'm actually fine. I don find myself being needy at all. I always thought that i'm someone who can nvr be single single for gd, cos i hate being along. i hate not having someone there for me. Recently i nvr fail to surprise myself with such self discovery. Maybe it's becos my heart is still with him and my heart is unwilling to let go. i just cannot imagine being with anyone else, i cannot imagine dating anyone else, touching anyone else or loving anyone else. For the first time i actually want to be single, no flings, no date, no flirting, no nothing, i just want to be single and wait for him.
I'm scared to death for what's going to happen in the next one year when i'm back in sg. i nvr thought that i will hate uncertainties. i nvr thought of myself as someone who is afraid of adventures. but yet again for the first time of my life i'm actually freaking out. I'm so scared not knowing what to expect in the next one year. I'm terrified by the thought of not knowing what's ahead of me, i feel as if i'm walking into a dark cave not knowing where the end is. for the first time i'm actually dying for stability, for the first time in my life i actually want something stable. i want to know what to expect, my life as nvr be this blurred out before.
At the same time i'm also scared that i'm going to turn into the gab i was before i met him. This time when i was back i went clubbing 4 times in one week. I feel like my old habits of clubbing 5 times a week is coming back. I don want to be that gab again. i don want to be that party girl again. i was so lost at a period of time and i desperately needed someone to grab hold of me and pull me back to reality. I was really going out of control back then, he was the one who pulled me back together and now i'm lost once again. But i don want to be that person anymore, i don want to turn back into the spinning out of control "gab", i don want to be that "gab" that everyone calls a party girl and gets drunk almost every night puking outside some club. i need him to keep saint.
I've not changed my laptop and phone wallpaper, i refuse to erase any memories of him. becos i don want to. i don want to erase him from my memory, i don want to erase him out of my life. i don want to pretend like nothing happened between us. i want to remember and i want to feel every bit of pain that is left, i want to wait till the day we'll be back together again. i just refuse to move on and i don want to move on. even when i was clubbing and suppose to be having "fun" with my girlfriends, i find myself telling everyone that i wished he was here with me. I would rather feel the pain again and again to atleast know that everything is real. I need to feel this pain to keep myself alive. i know all my close friends are worried sick, seeing me do this to myself. i'm sorry that i have to make you guys worry like that. I donno how to explain this to u guys anymore, but i hope you guys will continue being there for me. for the first time in my life, my friend actually told me i looked so depress while sitting there while everyone else was chatting away. and the thing was that i didnt even realise it myself, i didnt even know i looked that upset, it was as if everything that was going on inside of me was unknowingly showing on my face.
In the past few weeks, i've been insulted, i've been scolded, i've been beaten to the ground by words. But i refuse to fight back becos i promised him that i wont. For him, i can let ppl insult, i can let the world scold the shit out of me, i can lose my pride, i can lose my dignity, i can let people hit me, i can let ppl say shit in my face. I can go through all these, hoping that one day i could have him back again. I am willing to endure any sort of pain, be it physical pain, emotional pain, verbal pain, mental pain, i can go through all sorts of pain just for that 0.00000000001% of chance that we might get back together again.
I guess this is really love. i don think i have ever been this way before. I don think i've ever felt this way about anyone before, not even towards A, though we were together on and off for 3 years and it did kill a little of me when we broke up for gd but it didnt kill me like that, it didnt make me feel this way. cos after we broke up i did the typical "find another guy to get over ur ex" thing. this time i'm just waiting, waiting for him to come back
i donno how i'm going to get through this, i really dont. everyone kept telling me i am the only one that can help myself. Evan told me "i cant help you if you're like that", i was thinking to myself maybe i don wanna be helped, maybe i just wanna live this way, maybe i just want to be miserable so i can always feel what is left of him.
Ok, it's almost 8. cant wait to go down to melb on weds so i can be with lyanne. i think i really need her with me now and i'm glad i'll atleast be spending my b'day with her, that will make me feel alot better. really looking forward to that. time for sch!
p.s. i promised you i'll wait and i'm going to keep that promise. no guys, no flings, no nothing; just going to wait right here for you. <3