i remember how we first started. it was just pure bliss from the top of my head right to my toes. i was SOOOOO happy when him and i just started out. It was the kind of happiness that i have nvr ever felt with anyone else in my life. It seemed like nothing else in this world will ever go wrong as long as i have him right next to me. We were so in love, we could just lie next to each other and stare into each others eyes for hours, we could just sit on ur sofa talked till the sun comes up, we were unbeatable, it seemed like nothing else in this world will ever tear us apart.
I donno what happened along the way, was it me or was it him? Well i always believe it takes two hands to clap. we were both definitely at fault, there's no point pointing out who was more at fault for what has happened to our r/s. But i would like to think there is still hope and there might still be a future for us. Then again maybe there nvr will be again.
i remember the next night after we made up, we went to the water lines and just sat there, you lying on my lap, talking about all those happy times we once had and looking into the distance, it felt so peaceful and everything felt so right again. I remember driving back home in my car and "do you remember" was playing on the radio, i couldnt help but to cry while driving, suddenly everything just came back to me and i hate what has happened to us.
I remember the next day going to catch a movie and we were playing dance dance revolution in the arcade and having so much fun, we havent had that much fun in such a long time. I remember when it was just the two of us taking the lift and you hugged me from the back telling me how much u've missed me.
I remembered us watching a movie on ur bed, a movie u were suppose to watch with another girl when you cuddled me from the back i couldnt help but to tear, thinking this could be someone else you're cuddling. i remember going kite flying, ice skating, pigging out at koka, watching u write in that scrapbook at kap in the middle of the night. it felt as if it was just ytd, but somehow it seems so far away.
It killed me knowing that you think it's better for us to be apart and doing this long distance thing seemed better for our r/s. I wont totally disagree, we seem to be doing much better now. we seem so much happier now and i know u don wanna risk this cos things are so gd. But if we are better at doing long distance than being together than what does that actually make us? does that mean that we're better together when we're actually not together? so does that actually mean that it's better for us to not be together?
there's so many things going on in my head right now. part of me kept thinking that maybe we were nvr meant to be and all these time we were both trying so hard to hold on to something that was nvr meant to be in the first place. But another part of me kept thinking, how could it be, how could it be that we're not meant to be when we had so many good memories together and we were once so happily together? how could it be that two people was once so in love, we were totally inseparable at the beginning, and now we seem to be doing better being physically apart from each other? how did all this happened? what went wrong?
i feel further away from u more than i have ever felt. becos i know you got used to not having me around and you actually prefer it this way. becos i know in the last few months, i've slowly been fading away in ur life. the moment you told me that you rather prefer doing long d for 9 months and not seeing each other at all than to have me back for one year, i knew i just knew right then that was the end of everything. that was the end to everything that i've been holding on to. that was the end to all my happiness. that was the end of our story.
i cannot hate myself more for what has happened. i cannot stop thinking about all those happy times we once had, i fucking hate everything that has happened. i just want everything to go back to the way it was last year January and just stay there and nvr come back. but now it's too late, before last night i thought we still had it all and we could still work everything out. but after last night i just knew it was the end, now, it's really too late.
atleast i have those happy memories to think back on, but really i rather not. i rather not remember any of those happy memories i had, i now hate myself for having such a gd memory, hating the fact that i can remember every single detail right down to what u were wearing on those days. i rather not remember becos it's too painful for me to know how happy we can be together and makes miss everything, absolutely everything about you. it also reminds me that no one, absolutely no one in this world will every make me that happy again.
I wish things worked out differently, i wish i could turn back time and doing everything all over again, i promise to make things right, but whats the point? i've been slowly fading away in ur life and u've slowly fallen out of love with me. i donno how i'm gonna get through all these knowing that i don have your heart anymore, or maybe i nvr had it in the first place. this is when i know my heart has stopped at john.